[adamkaboom]

This is my paper for my college comp. class. Feedback? lol

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says, “1.There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. 2. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. 3. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to rebuild. 4. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. 5. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 6. A time to search and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to throw away. 7. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak up. 8. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.”
God has a time and place for everything that happens in our lives. Every event, action, situation, or reaction all serve a purpose in God’s master plan. When all the misconceptions of the world are peeled back, it is plain to see that there are not any coincidences with God. Throughout this past summer He has opened my eyes to His will for my life in youth ministry.
After High School camp in the summer of 2005, I was ready for the experience of a lifetime as I went to camp for the second summer in a row. The day I arrived, I met the members of “Surge”, a team of crazy college students from Ottawa University. I also met Travis Blake, a youth minister with an incredible sense of humor and a passion for God that is beyond description. I just knew that God had to move in our hearts as He did the year before.
The days began to slowly unfold before us, filled with games, great food, music, devotions, and more great food. But through the fun and games, I could see God moving in everyone but me. I felt left out; like there was a party and I missed the invitation. It was Thursday before I knew it and apart from the fun memories with my friends it seemed as if the week that should have been the “experience of a lifetime” was a waste of time. With that seemingly endless thought constantly flying through my mind like a fly on steroids, I could hardly concentrate.
My lack of concentration quickly turned into devoted attention when Travis started his devotion Thursday. His lesson seemed to speak straight to me, as if I were the only person there. He spoke of how God never leaves or abandons us; He is always by our side. He quickly built into his lesson using scripture, funny stories, and his own life experiences. The lesson culminated when he made this statement:
“With God, there aren’t any coincidences. Nothing with God is random, just by chance. It all happens for a reason; for God’s ultimate purpose.”
It was at that moment in time that I had a whispering hint of what God wanted from me. I quickly pushed the thought of youth ministry aside and moved on with myself holding the leash of my life.
Within a week I returned to camp, this time as a counselor for the primary kids. What inspired me to spend three days with thirty-some 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders is still beyond me. Despite my almost insane choice to be there, it turned out to be a blessing. I believe we can all learn something from those kids. They have the faith of a child, the faith that requires no evidence what so ever. I remember asking them why they believed in God and got the simple response of, “Because that’s what the Bible says,” and that is all it takes to make their hearts content.
Once again I could feel God tugging on my heart, just waiting for me to give in to His will. “Alright,” I thought, “I’ll think about it this time, but I’m not going to make any promises.”
I returned home completely confused as to what God wanted me to do. I knew what God wanted of me, I just didn’t want to conform to it. Little did I know the once in a lifetime experience that I had waited so long for was lurking around the corner at middle school camp.
After a four day break, I returned to Camp Christy for the last camp of the summer. I knew that being a counselor for 50-some students would be a challenge in itself, let alone the wonderful hormones of hyperactive middle school boys and girls.
Registration time was underway, and the campers were pouring in, excited and ready to go. The kids were awesome from the get-go and the fun was already starting to begin. It seemed that the week would go without any catches as the first day dwindled into the sunset. Not long after that thought had graced my mind, I heard news of a group of girls who had been causing some grief throughout the day. Their names were Mac, Elizabeth, Karen, and Heather. They were all from the cabin that my sister, Lesli, happened to be the counselor in.
These girls were all from troubled homes and because of that they stuck together like glue. However, as night fell they became restless and angry towards each other. Karen and Elizabeth wanted to go talk to the camp director, Justin Banks, our youth minister. I am still not sure if there was really a reason that they wanted to talk to him, or if it was just a way to get out of the cabin.
It was not long before most of the campers were afraid of these girls. They were flying “colors” and telling everyone that they were members of a gang in Wichita. This had all happened by Tuesday morning, just to put how effective these girls were at bluffing into perspective. Throughout Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning, the trouble seemed to grow by leaps and bounds. These girls had left the status of “drama queens” behind in a cloud of dust.
Wednesday evening after our night game time, we all migrated to the mess hall where mounds of snack food just beckoning to be eaten were waiting. My sister was having a much-needed venting time about the first couple of days when Karen came to our table.
She said, “He’s following me again.”
Since I was a counselor and was one of a few in charge of the boys, I asked her who was following her. Her response completely floored me.
“I can’t tell you his name,” was her reply.
My sister and I pried with no avail to get more information out her, but she was done talking. The gears were turning non-stop in my mind just trying to figure out who was following her. I was lost in the land of deep thoughts when the group of kids behind me let out a groan and brought me back to reality. I checked with my sister to see what had happened. Karen had caught a June bug, put it in her mouth and then let it crawl out and fly away.
Nightfall quickly descended upon us, and lights out time was closing in fast. Although my cabin was the first to have the lights off, we were the last to go to sleep. The boys in my cabin had a list of hilarious jokes that had to be told in rapid succession. Around 1:30 a.m., after 2 hours of laughing, I told the boys it was time to actually go to sleep.
As I lied there, the temperature started increasing with every passing second. To my surprise, the guys asked if they could turn the fans off because they were starting to get cold. Out of nowhere June bugs started attacking our cabin in uncountable numbers. They were working themselves in under the doorjamb, through the loose screens, and it almost seemed as if they were coming through the walls. I turned on the light and we all started killing bugs left and right. Strangely enough we did not have to kill many of them because they all died at once and fell to the ground. I could feel an extreme tension; a heavy presence about our cabin. It’s a feeling that I cannot and do not wish to describe.
The time was around 12 a.m. and once again Lesli’s cabin, specifically Karen and Elizabeth, were causing problems. Out of sheer frustration, Lesli gave in to Elizabeth’s pleas to go talk to Justin one last time. Since Karen was part of the problem, Lesli made her join them to solve the situation. Karen and Elizabeth started screaming at each other on their way out of cabin. Tami, who heard the girls, came outside to see why they were screaming. Seeing that there was a problem, Tami, asked Lesli if she needed assistance to which Lesli answered yes. The four of them went to the snack shack to escape the tension of the cabin.
When they arrived at the snack shack, Karen and Elizabeth once again started yelling. Justin, whose room was in the upper level of the snack shack, came down after hearing the commotion. Seeing who it was and being previously involved with the situation, Justin tried to lend a hand. It was not long after the five started talking that Justin realized that something unnatural was going on. Karen had assumed a strange posture and had not moved an inch since they had started talking. Her feet were crossed and on her tiptoes. She had her wrists pressed together in her lap and her head was turned away from Justin with her eyes tightly pinched shut. At this point, Justin realized that Elizabeth was no longer a needed part of the conversation and sent her back to the cabin.
After the first few minutes of their discussion with Karen, around 1:45 a.m., Justin mouthed the word “possessed” to Lesli and Tami. I am not sure that either of them rightly clued into what he was talking about at the time. The thought that came to all of their minds was, “She’s faking it. There’s no way that she is possessed.” The series of events that followed shortly after proved she was indeed possessed.
Karen knew what they were going to do before they did it. She told them that “He”, referring to the demon, didn’t want them to help her. “He” demanded that they all stop trying to help her. Then bugs invaded the sweet shack out of nowhere. They began dropping from the ceiling and landing all around. Soon after a raven bounced off all the screens across the front of the shack. Seconds later, an owl landed only a few feet from the window. At this time Karen tensed up and said, “He is really close now.” She relaxed a little when the owl flew away.
Justin, Tami, and Lesli all had been praying for Karen through this whole ordeal, but the extreme prayer came after Karen made this statement to Justin, who was only an arms length away.
“He wants me to kill you, but I don’t want to,” she said, “He keeps telling me to kill you.”
They all started praying silently to God for help, guidance, and safety. Karen, with her eyes still pinched shut, told them that “He” wanted them to all stop praying.
Justin starting praying verbally, while Lesli and Tami continued to pray silently. They all prayed for Karen, and that God would move in and cast the demon out of her. Their prayers succeeded and the demon was cast out of Karen at 2:20 Thursday morning. Karen accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior on that very morning.
Thursday night at our evening chapel service was the most blessed thing I have ever witnessed. Karen along with the other girls gave their testimonies to all the campers and staff. God had a hold of all of our hearts and was moving in us. To see over fifty youth and all the staff get down on their knees and offer everything to God, was the most amazing privilege I have ever had.
The life changing experience that I wanted at the beginning of the summer presented itself in a way I could never dream. Proverbs 16:3 says, “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Naturally it is easy to do what we want with our lives. It is easy to fill God’s time with extra stuff. Through the events of this past summer, I have felt God calling me into youth ministry. I have made the choice and commitment to follow His calling and trust Him in all that I do. All glory be to God most high forever and ever, Amen.

[J_freek]

i would love to help. but that is far too much to read....maybe when i'm not consentrating on the first hockey game i've heard in a long time.

[Nate]

I don't think you honestly want to hear what I think of this as a college essay.

Maybe, maybe, it might help if you shared the "prompt" and what school you're at.

I could talk about it from a narrative / structural standpoint, but tone is my real beef.

[adamkaboom]

this was supposed to be a personal experience essay...written like a narrative would be. Is it really that bad?...and why would the school I attend matter?

[Nate]

Because unless it is a religious school, the overall tone of your essay is both inappropriate and ineffective.

And, no, I don't mean to say you shouldn't write about religious topics. Maybe I should just tackle the form.

You did not say "RC" in your thread title, nor did you ask specifically for a "critique," so I'm holding my tongue.

[adamkaboom]

Originally Posted by Nate

Because unless it is a religious school, the overall tone of your essay is both inappropriate and ineffective.

Hmm... Why so?

And, no, I don't mean to say you shouldn't write about religious topics. Maybe I should just tackle the form.

...yea I'm still lost. So, I can write about religious topics at a religious school... but not a secular one? If that is what you are suggesting, then I can't say I agree with that.

You did not say "RC" in your thread title, nor did you ask specifically for a "critique," so I'm holding my tongue

As far as critiquing, enlighten me please. Your opinion isn't going to make me lose sleep.

[Nate]

Originally Posted by adamkaboom

Hmm... Why so?

Because your essay reads, but for a little embellishment, like a post you might have made over in CGR's Testimonies and Sharing forum. I can guarantee you that anyone even remotely non-religious, upon reading your paper, would be saying to themselves "God, blah blah blah... right-wing fascist evangelical, blah blah... mindless fanatic, blah blah blah... spiritual mumbo jumbo again, blah blah blah... why am I reading this, blah blah blah..." and so forth. Again, I am in no way saying that you can't write about religion for a non-religious (or only semi-religious audience), because you certainly can; what I am saying is that you need to match the way in which you write about religion to the attitude and mindset of your audience.

After I critique this (can't now... going to class), you'll hopefully have a better idea of what I mean.

...yea I'm still lost. So, I can write about religious topics at a religious school... but not a secular one? If that is what you are suggesting, then I can't say I agree with that.

No, that is not what I am suggesting. Read more carefully and you'll see that my previous post was anticipating just that question. I think it's great that you want to write about a religious topic. It's even alright to do so at a secular school. What you can't do, however, is write about a religious topic in a religious way to a non-religious audience for a non-religious project. There's an incongruency there. It'd be like teaching a class on proper parenting techniques to a group of high-schoolers. You could still teach them about parenting, raising kids, etc, but you would have to do it from the perspective of "This is what kind of stuff you'll be having to deal with" or "This is what I have learned and how it can relate to your life and your struggles with dealing with your own parents," and not "Here's how I think you should parent your kids."

Do you see at all what I'm talking about? I guess it'll be more clear after I critique your essay.

As far as critiquing, enlighten me please. Your opinion isn't going to make me lose sleep.

Cool. Please be assured, even still, that it is not you at all, or even your ideas, that I'll be critiquing.

[adamkaboom]

Originally Posted by Nate

No, that is not what I am suggesting. Read more carefully and you'll see that my previous post was anticipating just that question. I think it's great that you want to write about a religious topic. It's even alright to do so at a secular school. What you can't do, however, is write about a religious topic in a religious way to a non-religious audience for a non-religious project. There's an incongruency there. It'd be like teaching a class on proper parenting techniques to a group of high-schoolers. You could still teach them about parenting, raising kids, etc, but you would have to do it from the perspective of "This is what kind of stuff you'll be having to deal with" or "This is what I have learned and how it can relate to your life and your struggles with dealing with your own parents," and not "Here's how I think you should parent your kids."

I'm sorta smellin' what you stepped in...lol. But I'm not sure how one would quite approach this... "This is my religious paper, let me explain so you non-religious people can understand/believe this and don't think it is full of garbage" No matter how you sugar-coat it, or re-word it, it is still religion, and it still will not make sense to non-believers/religious people. I guess I just don't see how you would present a "religious" topic such as this, in a non-religious manner... other than to say "well, it could have been a demon, or maybe she ate something funky"...and stuff like that

Do you see at all what I'm talking about? I guess it'll be more clear after I critique your essay.

To an extent... i'm really awaiting your next post

Cool. Please be assured, even still, that it is not you at all, or even your ideas, that I'll be critiquing.

It's all good...if my last post seemed a little heated... it was. I apologize for that, and I'm not going to make any excuses for it. I really want to hear what you have to say.

[jengoesup]

Dang that really happened? Praise be to God for casting the demon out and saving that girl.

[Nate]

Originally Posted by adamkaboom

I'm sorta smellin' what you stepped in...lol. But I'm not sure how one would quite approach this... "This is my religious paper, let me explain so you non-religious people can understand/believe this and don't think it is full of garbage" No matter how you sugar-coat it, or re-word it, it is still religion, and it still will not make sense to non-believers/religious people. I guess I just don't see how you would present a "religious" topic such as this, in a non-religious manner... other than to say "well, it could have been a demon, or maybe she ate something funky"...and stuff like that

You're not quite getting what I'm after, but you're close. Even to a religious audience, you'll still have different opinions on demons that will affect the manner in which they receive your message. Your job isn't to convince them, however, but to relate to them an experience that you had. You don't have to apologize for your beliefs, either, in so doing. What you do have to do is relate your experience to them in such a way that it is relevant to them. A non-religious person reading this essay, or even a religious person such as myself with very conservative views on possession, sees very little in the essay that makes them want to read it. It's not just the clash of ideas, either, that does this. What happens is that you use phrases, terms, jargon, language, and tone that says "Hey, I'm writing this to people like me." Unless you really are writing to those people, don't write this way. Again, you don't have to change your beliefs, mask them, or apologize for them; you only need to frame them in language that makes them understandable to an audience that does not share them; even if the end result is that they still think you're full of garbage, at least they'll understand what exact garbage you are full of. I'll try to make this all clearer when I do a full critique (which may end up being tomorrow morning... sorry... I've got to go home from class now... heh).

[adamkaboom]

Originally Posted by Nate

You're not quite getting what I'm after, but you're close. Even to a religious audience, you'll still have different opinions on demons that will affect the manner in which they receive your message. Your job isn't to convince them, however, but to relate to them an experience that you had. You don't have to apologize for your beliefs, either, in so doing. What you do have to do is relate your experience to them in such a way that it is relevant to them. A non-religious person reading this essay, or even a religious person such as myself with very conservative views on possession, sees very little in the essay that makes them want to read it. It's not just the clash of ideas, either, that does this. What happens is that you use phrases, terms, jargon, language, and tone that says "Hey, I'm writing this to people like me." Unless you really are writing to those people, don't write this way. Again, you don't have to change your beliefs, mask them, or apologize for them; you only need to frame them in language that makes them understandable to an audience that does not share them; even if the end result is that they still think you're full of garbage, at least they'll understand what exact garbage you are full of. I'll try to make this all clearer when I do a full critique (which may end up being tomorrow morning... sorry... I've got to go home from class now... heh).

Before all of this happened, I too was very conservative when it came to possesion and things of that nature. It is a very touchy subject that has been over dramatized by Hollywood, and therefore became a "thing" only of Hollywood. I can honestly say in writing this, I was never expecting people to believe most of it. Heck, I was there and I had a hard time believing it!! But there really isn't any other way I can explain it...

[Nate]

Ok, here goes.

First off, I need to mention that you do not really have one essay here, but two. After about the middle of the essay when you start talking about the demon thing, you pretty much have left behind what you started talking about: that with God there are no coincidences. Except for a very weak transition in the middle of the paper, you really don't make much of a connection at all between the two halves. It's as if you are expecting your reader to read logical connections into your writing instead of making them clear for him; it never works. We need to know how and why this story of demon possession has anything to do with what you've written about in the first half of the paper.

Originally Posted by adamkaboom

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says, “1.There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. 2. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. 3. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to rebuild. 4. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. 5. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 6. A time to search and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to throw away. 7. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak up. 8. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.”

This is an awkward way to start, and an even more awkward way, I think, to present a Biblical passage. I would suggest, since this is a personal experience essay rather than simply an informative or persuasive one, that you narrow this passage down to about one or two verses at most (I'd probably just use the first verse) and introduce it in a less scholarly, detached, formal way. What you've effectively done in this introductory "sentence" is three things: a) alienated anyone who is not religious or scholarly, b) made it "clear" that this is an informative paper, and c) clouded your real "topic" in ambiguity by throwing out way too much information.

First of all, nearly everyone, Christian or secular, is familiar with this passage (though, of course, not everyone knows [sadly] that it comes from the Bible). Secondly, and related to the first, most people can understand the point of the passage from the first verse alone. The rest is just "spelling out" what is already contained in that first verse. Unless you plan to talk about some of those individual topics, you only need the first verse (it contains the strongest statement of your real point, anyway). Thirdly, the introduction "Ecclesiastes says..." misses the "SO WHAT?!?" Why do we care? Why do you care? Why should anyone in the world care what Ecclesiastes says?

So, I'd select only the most important verse (since this isn't about the passage, after all, but your personal experience, and the passage is about as long as one of your own paragraphs), and introduce it in a way that lets us know why you are, in turn, using it to introduce your paper. You could say "Everyone knows that a wise man once said, 'blah blah blah,' but I have recently discovered for myself the wonderful truth of that passage," or something like "If I had to express the experiences of the last year in one thought, it would be what the Biblical writer, Solomon, said centuries ago, 'blah blah blah'." Let us know why you're quoting it and why we care.

God has a time and place for everything that happens in our lives. Every event, action, situation, or reaction all serve a purpose in God’s master plan. When all the misconceptions of the world are peeled back, it is plain to see that there are not any coincidences with God. Throughout this past summer He has opened my eyes to His will for my life in youth ministry.

See, this completely defeats the point of quoting the whole passage (which would be if you wanted to expostulate upon it or if you wanted to talk about a few of the specific issues raised in it), because now you have not only narrowed its scope, but you've shown us how you really intend to use it (namely, to relate it to a personal experience rather than to use it as the basis of an informative or persuasive paper, which it what it seemed to foreshadow by the way you introduced it). Also, in this first paragraph, you jump right in with that religious framing that I was talking about previously. I'll try my best to explain what I mean.

You start off fine; "God has a time and place for everything" is understandable, everyday english and follows logically from the passage you quoted. Things get rocky when you talk about His "master plan," and go full steam ahead into Christianese territory when you talk about "His will for my life." You don't understand how foreign Christian (or even religious, in general) phraseology is to non-Christian or non-religious people. It'd be like discussing your prognosis with a doctor and having him only use the full medical (and Latin) terms for your infirmity and anatomy to explain it. You're raising more questions than you're answering with that phrase, "His will for my life."

It's not a terribly easy, or a terribly difficult, problem to rectify, however. What I would do first is go back and select a different version of Scripture to quote Ecclesiastes in; find one that uses either more common or more forceful language. The NIV's "season for every activity" is fairly passive; the NKJV's "a time for every purpose" is a little more awkward, but "purpose" is such a much stronger word, whose common meaning is the exact same as its meaning in the passage. That word "purpose" is what I was trying to get to, in fact. It will help you immensely in introducing the idea of "God's will for your life" to non-religious people. It's much less Christianese, much more understandable.

I would not say "there are not any coincidences with God," but instead something like "there are not any coincidences in that master plan" or "in God's plan" or something else like that. I would avoid the active voice "He has opened" construction, and opt for passive voice "my eyes have been opened," which is more accessible to non-religious people (the fact that "He" opened them is only ancillary to your essay, anyway). I would also rewrite that bit about "His will for my life." Maybe that sentence could be "Throughout this past summer, my eyes have been opened to the timing and purpose of God's master plan as it pertains to my life and my personal ministry."

Do you see what I've really done here? I've taken what was distanced from your audience on account of the fact that it had God Himself doing so much ("with God," "He opened," "His will," etc) and brought it closer to your audience by talking about a slightly less alien idea, God's master plan ("in that plan," "my eyes were opened," "purpose of God's plan," etc). Most people will balk when you start talking right away about how "God did this" or "God did that" because they are so used to hearing that as an excuse for personal decisions (in fact, most Christians still use such language that way). A divine master plan is much more understandable and relateable, even to non-religious folks.

After High School camp in the summer of 2005, I was ready for the experience of a lifetime as I went to camp for the second summer in a row. The day I arrived, I met the members of “Surge”, a team of crazy college students from Ottawa University. I also met Travis Blake, a youth minister with an incredible sense of humor and a passion for God that is beyond description. I just knew that God had to move in our hearts as He did the year before.

You're obviously going to have to break full-speed into the "God did this or that" language eventually, but I don't think it's place for it yet. You're still getting rolling (i.e. connecting with your audience), you can't get into cruise control (i.e. reverting to personally comfortable language) yet. I would reframe "passion for God" in a way that makes it about ministry, since that is, after all, what your main point is here, how God called you to ministry; it could just be "passion for serving God" or "passion for ministry." Your last sentence "I just knew..." is crazy informal and clumsy. It also betrays a lack of trust or hope; despite what you think "I just knew" is not emphatic, but questioning.

Once again, you've thrown in some Christian jargon that will be entirely unintelligible to any non-religious people in your audience, such that your message will be lost entirely. Nobody outside of the church (and few people inside) understands what "God . . . move[d] in our hearts" means. You could say something like "I just knew that this summer held in store many encounters with God and many revelations of His timing and purpose" (actually, something less wordy would suffice). The point is to bring the narrative back to you and your connection to God rather than leave it at God and His connection to you. Does that make sense?

Think of it this way: Even our own Scriptures say that we cannot understand the ways of God, because they are higher than ours, or the thoughts of God, because they are also higher than ours. When you start talking about what God does or did or is doing, you're treading dangerous ground (even as a Christian). This is why we have the third commandment, after all, so that we do not attach God to either false oaths that we have made or to false ideas that we have of what He has done. It may very well be that God revealed His plan for ministry to you many years ago and you only caught on this past summer on account of your carnal blindness, after all. Frame things in terms of you, your thoughts, and your actions, rather than God and His.

The days began to slowly unfold before us, filled with games, great food, music, devotions, and more great food. But through the fun and games, I could see God moving in everyone but me. I felt left out; like there was a party and I missed the invitation. It was Thursday before I knew it and apart from the fun memories with my friends it seemed as if the week that should have been the “experience of a lifetime” was a waste of time. With that seemingly endless thought constantly flying through my mind like a fly on steroids, I could hardly concentrate.

You do it again in here (ascribing actions to God rather than interpreting personal feelings in light of your beliefs in God) and, in so doing, miss a great opportunity to strengthen your narrative. "I could see God moving in everyone but me" is only strong language to Christians (particularly of your viewpoint of active, modern, continuing revelation) such as yourself, who would expect God to "move in you" as well; to non-religious folks, it's just mumbo-jumbo religious language, and they don't know why you care about what you've just described. Say something stronger about your own feelings; own up to the fact that you felt disconnected, separated, and abandoned by your God.

I would say something more along the lines of "But through the fun and games, I felt an emptiness, a longing for a deeper knowledge of God and greater understanding of His master plan and how I fit into it all. Everyone else around me seemed to be enjoying those things, and I felt left out; it was like there was..." Drop the jargon and insert emotion. You're not writing about Christianity; you're writing about your response to it and to its God. I don't know it well enough to say for certain, but I think St. Augustine's "Confessions" would be a great resource for learning this style of writing. The Psalms are also chock-full of similar writing styles.

My lack of concentration quickly turned into devoted attention when Travis started his devotion Thursday. His lesson seemed to speak straight to me, as if I were the only person there. He spoke of how God never leaves or abandons us; He is always by our side. He quickly built into his lesson using scripture, funny stories, and his own life experiences. The lesson culminated when he made this statement:
“With God, there aren’t any coincidences. Nothing with God is random, just by chance. It all happens for a reason; for God’s ultimate purpose.”
It was at that moment in time that I had a whispering hint of what God wanted from me. I quickly pushed the thought of youth ministry aside and moved on with myself holding the leash of my life.

This is actually extraordinarily good, for the most part. The repitition of "devoted"/"devotion" in the first sentence should be fixed. Also, you don't identify "youth ministry" as "what God wanted from me" in the penultimate sentence, which makes the final sentence a little confusing (it's like "um... ok? what does the thought of youth ministry have to do with anything?"). Other than those two things, however, you have a solid and well-related paragraph here. Notice how the word "purpose" which I tried to add to your very first paragraph is present here in the quote from the speaker. If you add it earlier, it will be stronger here when you finally get to this "personal experience" part.

Within a week I returned to camp, this time as a counselor for the primary kids. What inspired me to spend three days with thirty-some 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders is still beyond me. Despite my almost insane choice to be there, it turned out to be a blessing. I believe we can all learn something from those kids. They have the faith of a child, the faith that requires no evidence what so ever. I remember asking them why they believed in God and got the simple response of, “Because that’s what the Bible says,” and that is all it takes to make their hearts content.

This is all good, except most non-religious people aren't going to have the same reaction to "the faith of a child" as most religious people feign to have. To a non-religious person, that is blind faith, weak faith, dumb faith. Again, remember that you are writing this to those people who think those thoughts. You need to add something on the end of this paragraph that says why you admire this child-like faith, why it's a good thing that "that's all it takes," and why this experience was a blessing. Maybe something like "I wished that my spiritual condition was as untainted by intellectualism as that of these children was; I couldn't believe with such honest simplicity if I tried."

Once again I could feel God tugging on my heart, just waiting for me to give in to His will. “Alright,” I thought, “I’ll think about it this time, but I’m not going to make any promises.”
I returned home completely confused as to what God wanted me to do. I knew what God wanted of me, I just didn’t want to conform to it. Little did I know the once in a lifetime experience that I had waited so long for was lurking around the corner at middle school camp.

Two major problems here. First of all, you're back in full force to Christianese; it's alright to start talking about God "doing" things, but not in this kind of language ("tugging on my heart," "give in to His will," etc). You need to remember that you are not writing this for people who use that kind of language, so they will not understand when you use it in your paper. Secondly, this is where the paper effectively divides into two nearly unrelated halves. You have a weak attempt at a transition with this last sentence, but because you haven't mentioned a "once in a lifetime experience" yet, it fails. I, as a reader, can see no way in which what comes next relates to what has come already.

To fix that first issue, just do the same thing as before, frame religious thoughts in non-religious language. You could even start throwing in some action words for God. You could say "Once again, I felt that God was trying to connect with me, to reveal a part of His master plan to me so that I could get onboard," or "Once again, I knew that God had been speaking to me through those around me, through my youth pastor before and now through these children, and I struggled to submit to what I knew He was telling me to do." Also, I'd drop the repeat "God wanted me to" phrase. Make the second one something like "I knew what God's plan was, I just didn't want any part of it."

After a four day break, I returned to Camp Christy for the last camp of the summer. I knew that being a counselor for 50-some students would be a challenge in itself, let alone the wonderful hormones of hyperactive middle school boys and girls.
Registration time was underway, and the campers were pouring in, excited and ready to go. The kids were awesome from the get-go and the fun was already starting to begin. It seemed that the week would go without any catches as the first day dwindled into the sunset. Not long after that thought had graced my mind, I heard news of a group of girls who had been causing some grief throughout the day. Their names were Mac, Elizabeth, Karen, and Heather. They were all from the cabin that my sister, Lesli, happened to be the counselor in.
These girls were all from troubled homes and because of that they stuck together like glue. However, as night fell they became restless and angry towards each other. Karen and Elizabeth wanted to go talk to the camp director, Justin Banks, our youth minister. I am still not sure if there was really a reason that they wanted to talk to him, or if it was just a way to get out of the cabin.
It was not long before most of the campers were afraid of these girls. They were flying “colors” and telling everyone that they were members of a gang in Wichita. This had all happened by Tuesday morning, just to put how effective these girls were at bluffing into perspective. Throughout Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday morning, the trouble seemed to grow by leaps and bounds. These girls had left the status of “drama queens” behind in a cloud of dust.
Wednesday evening after our night game time, we all migrated to the mess hall where mounds of snack food just beckoning to be eaten were waiting. My sister was having a much-needed venting time about the first couple of days when Karen came to our table.

This is all written just fine, except for the fact that we don't have a damned clue why you've written it. You need, you must, you are obligated, and you will fail as a writer unless you find a way to connect this final narrative with what has come before. That one sentence transition in the last chunk will not do it, either. You need something in that last chunk that says something like "I was stubborn, and I decided to push God away and follow my own plans. I knew that it would take a once-in-a-lifetime experience to jolt me from my everyday existence and into the middle of what God had been doing all along. Little did I know that that once-in-a-lifetime experience I had waited so long for was..."

Something. It obviously doesn't have to be those exact words, but you need to setup this story, since it is, in essence, the turning point of your entire paper. At the moment, we're left thinking "Dude, what the hell? That was one creepy story, but what was the point of it all? Why do we care that he had some religious poltergeist experience? Why does he care?" You need to let us know two critical things about this story before you tell it: a) why you care, and b) why we care. Let us know why you were waiting for something like this, and let us know why this story is such an integral part of the personal experience that you are trying to relate to us.

She said, “He’s following me again.”
Since I was a counselor and was one of a few in charge of the boys, I asked her who was following her. Her response completely floored me.
“I can’t tell you his name,” was her reply.

You know, when I first read this, I asked myself "Why would that have 'completely floored' you?" I think most readers will respond similarly. Somehow, you need to either describe your response in a way that makes it more understandable or describe her reply in such a way as to make your response more understandable. Get rid of the awkward "was her reply" and just say " 'blah blah blah,' she replied." I think it might even be stronger if you told us your response after you tell us her reply. Chop out the "her reponse completely floored me" sentence and add something like " 'What on earth?,' I thought" after her reply.

My sister and I pried with no avail to get more information out her, but she was done talking. The gears were turning non-stop in my mind just trying to figure out who was following her. I was lost in the land of deep thoughts when the group of kids behind me let out a groan and brought me back to reality. I checked with my sister to see what had happened. Karen had caught a June bug, put it in her mouth and then let it crawl out and fly away.
Nightfall quickly descended upon us, and lights out time was closing in fast. Although my cabin was the first to have the lights off, we were the last to go to sleep. The boys in my cabin had a list of hilarious jokes that had to be told in rapid succession. Around 1:30 a.m., after 2 hours of laughing, I told the boys it was time to actually go to sleep.
As I lied there, the temperature started increasing with every passing second. To my surprise, the guys asked if they could turn the fans off because they were starting to get cold. Out of nowhere June bugs started attacking our cabin in uncountable numbers. They were working themselves in under the doorjamb, through the loose screens, and it almost seemed as if they were coming through the walls. I turned on the light and we all started killing bugs left and right. Strangely enough we did not have to kill many of them because they all died at once and fell to the ground. I could feel an extreme tension; a heavy presence about our cabin. It’s a feeling that I cannot and do not wish to describe.

This is alright. Most of the first paragraph is irrelevant filler that doesn't pertain at all to the story at hand (though the foreshadowing of the June bugs is particularly effective, I think). Make the "moment of truth" when the June bugs all die stronger. When I read it, I had to go back and make sure you had actually said that. We need to know, without having to think, that this was something remarkable and strange. Something like "In one of the strangest events I have ever witnessed, our efforts to kill the invading bugs were made entirely futile as every last one of the buzzing monsters suddenly dropped dead and feel to the floor. We stood there like stones, silent and still."

The time was around 12 a.m. and once again Lesli’s cabin, specifically Karen and Elizabeth, were causing problems. Out of sheer frustration, Lesli gave in to Elizabeth’s pleas to go talk to Justin one last time. Since Karen was part of the problem, Lesli made her join them to solve the situation. Karen and Elizabeth started screaming at each other on their way out of cabin. Tami, who heard the girls, came outside to see why they were screaming. Seeing that there was a problem, Tami, asked Lesli if she needed assistance to which Lesli answered yes. The four of them went to the snack shack to escape the tension of the cabin.
When they arrived at the snack shack, Karen and Elizabeth once again started yelling. Justin, whose room was in the upper level of the snack shack, came down after hearing the commotion. Seeing who it was and being previously involved with the situation, Justin tried to lend a hand. It was not long after the five started talking that Justin realized that something unnatural was going on. Karen had assumed a strange posture and had not moved an inch since they had started talking. Her feet were crossed and on her tiptoes. She had her wrists pressed together in her lap and her head was turned away from Justin with her eyes tightly pinched shut. At this point, Justin realized that Elizabeth was no longer a needed part of the conversation and sent her back to the cabin.

This is well written, except the names are confusing as all get-out. When at all possible, especially in a narrative this short, drop names and replace them with something descriptive. Nobody is going to remember on such short notice that Justin is the youth minister and Lesli is your sister, while the others are all kids. I'd at least at little appositive phrases ("my sister, Lesli," or "Justin, the camp pastor," etc) here and there to aid in the understanding of the situation. There are tons of grammatical problems in these paragraphs (and quite a few in the whole thing), but that's not really what I'm after, so I'll leave them alone.

After the first few minutes of their discussion with Karen, around 1:45 a.m., Justin mouthed the word “possessed” to Lesli and Tami. I am not sure that either of them rightly clued into what he was talking about at the time. The thought that came to all of their minds was, “She’s faking it. There’s no way that she is possessed.” The series of events that followed shortly after proved she was indeed possessed.

Be careful whenever you say that something "proved" something, especially when the thing being proved is a controversial issue (such as possession). You come off sounding like a know-it-all, like a non-participating observer, and like a fanatical devotee to whatever train of thought is being proven, even when you are, in fact, none of those things. Since you've introduced the hypothesis "there's no way that she is possessed," you could say "The series of events that followed shortly after cast heavy shadows of doubt on to that hypothesis." Once again, what you think is affirmative or emphatic is often not. Just like "just had" portrays hopelessness, "proved" displays overemotionalization.

Karen knew what they were going to do before they did it. She told them that “He”, referring to the demon, didn’t want them to help her. “He” demanded that they all stop trying to help her. Then bugs invaded the sweet shack out of nowhere. They began dropping from the ceiling and landing all around. Soon after a raven bounced off all the screens across the front of the shack. Seconds later, an owl landed only a few feet from the window. At this time Karen tensed up and said, “He is really close now.” She relaxed a little when the owl flew away.
Justin, Tami, and Lesli all had been praying for Karen through this whole ordeal, but the extreme prayer came after Karen made this statement to Justin, who was only an arms length away.

The first paragraph is great. It's very eerie, and, for the most part, lets the reader interpret the situation how they would like to. The second paragraph is a little too matter-of-fact. Why had they been praying? Again, your non-religious audience won't understand, other than to think of movies in which they've seen priests praying over possessed children. Something like "all had been praying, the only thing they could think to do in response to this otherworldly situation, for Karen" would work. You also need to explain why they felt "extreme prayer" was necessary and what exactly you mean by that. Were they praying out loud now? Louder? With hand motions? Tears? Sweat? Blood? What?!?

“He wants me to kill you, but I don’t want to,” she said, “He keeps telling me to kill you.”
They all started praying silently to God for help, guidance, and safety. Karen, with her eyes still pinched shut, told them that “He” wanted them to all stop praying.
Justin starting praying verbally, while Lesli and Tami continued to pray silently. They all prayed for Karen, and that God would move in and cast the demon out of her. Their prayers succeeded and the demon was cast out of Karen at 2:20 Thursday morning. Karen accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior on that very morning.

For all the work you put into making that an interesting story, it sure has a boring and non-climactic ending. "Their prayers succeeded." No offense, but "whoopee." Something like "They all prayed that God would step in and cast out whatever demon had taken control of Karen. Then, as suddenly as it began, at 2:20 Thursday morning Karen was returned to the world of the living, the sane, and the unpossessed. Whoever or whatever had been in control of her had been overpowered by the God who answers prayer. One more prayer was answered the following morning when Karen placed her faith in Jesus Christ. [never, never, never use the Christianese "asked Jesus into her heart" or "accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior;" first of all, neither are really Biblical, and secondly, neither are clear at all what you mean; Occam's Razor, man, simple explanations]

Thursday night at our evening chapel service was the most blessed thing I have ever witnessed. Karen along with the other girls gave their testimonies to all the campers and staff. God had a hold of all of our hearts and was moving in us. To see over fifty youth and all the staff get down on their knees and offer everything to God, was the most amazing privilege I have ever had.

This is irrelevant to the story (you've just concluded it the paragraph before!) and, again, full of Christian jargon that goes right over the head of your non-religious audience. "Most blessed thing" sounds, to a non-religious person, like something an octagenarian, Family-Circus grandmother would say. "God had a hold of all of our hearts and was moving in us" says absolutely nothing; it's just pure rhetoric and jargon. What happened? We certainly don't know from what you've just written. "Offer everything to God" is unclear. What do you mean? Were they praying? Were they confessing sins? Were they literally making sacrifices? Goats? Money? Virgins? Explain, and in common language.

The life changing experience that I wanted at the beginning of the summer presented itself in a way I could never dream. Proverbs 16:3 says, “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Naturally it is easy to do what we want with our lives. It is easy to fill God’s time with extra stuff. Through the events of this past summer, I have felt God calling me into youth ministry. I have made the choice and commitment to follow His calling and trust Him in all that I do. All glory be to God most high forever and ever, Amen.

See what I mean now about this second half being entirely unrelated to the first? I really did expect you to somehow tie this in to the idea of there not being any coincidences, but you don't. Instead, you throw out a completely different passage and use it to close. It leaves the reader wondering "Wait a minute, what was this all about again?" There's no closure here. Summarize how this relates to what you talked about at the very beginning, or you're going to lose everything that you, in fact, talked about at the very beginning. What does any of this have to do with there not being any coincidences and there being a time for every purpose under heaven? Or does it even?

I hope you understand a little more where I've been coming from, now. I'll reiterate: the problem isn't that you're talking about religious or controversial material; the problem is that you're using religious language and jargon to relate a religious experience to a non-religious audience for a non-religious purpose. Those facts are, and always will be, in conflict, and that conflict will lead to your message being lost in your language. Instead of concentrating on your story, people will be left thinking "What in the world is he talking about? What does that even mean?" You have to be careful with your choice of words, which means not selecting the words and phrases that you are comfortable with and use regularly, but those that best relate your message.

[adamkaboom]

...well... I don't agree with some of your politically correct views. Thank you for your comments.

[Nate]

It's not at all about political correctness. You are basing your opinion on false assumptions of my intent. My admissions essay to my school was on original sin. My senior project for my degree was about improving music ministry. My admissions essay to my MBA was about how I wanted to become financially free to volunteer my time at church instead of charge for it. Every single other assignment that I have done where I had a choice of topic has been religious.

You can and should write about religious topics as much or as little as you like. You cannot and should not ever write about anything in such a way as to blur your message. What you're thinking is that by "dumbing down" your religious language, you're compromising your message. What I'm trying to convince you is that your message is actually strengthened by the process of writing for your audience instead of against them. Your integrity is not compromised by it.

I can tell what you're thinking. You're thinking, "No damned secular school or secular professor is going to tell me that I can't write about my God how I want to write about my God! I can believe what I want and write what I want," and you certainly can. The problem is that only you and those like you will end up knowing what it was you were trying to say. If you do not write (anything, it doesn't matter what) with your audience in mind, you might as well stop writing.

Your message is not helped by "sticking to your guns" and "saying what you mean" or "standing up for your God." It is hurt. Hurt. Hurt. How many times should I repeat it? I swear to you that I am telling the truth. Go give your essay as it is written now to a non-biased non-religious person and ask them what they think. I'll bet anything they tell you that it's crazy. If that's how you want to present your convictions, so be it. I'm trying to help your message, honestly.

[Nate]

Case in point... I, personally, as a firm believer in Christ, in the devil, in the possibility of possession, and in the power of prayer, thought that you were a bit of a looney-bin upon my first reading of your essay. That's a Christian's perspective, one that shares the vast majority of your worldview. I know you think you're being a martyr or being a disciple by not caring what the world thinks of your beliefs, but your beliefs focus on the central mission of reaching that world for the one who made them worth anything in the first place.