[The wirerat]

Originally Posted by beanbag

then listen to the counsel of older men whom you respect. that's one of the reasons older men are commanded to disciple younger men, and older women are commanded to disciple younger women.

lay the situation out before them, and see if they have any thoughts. then, just wait upon the Lord. you will know beyond the shadow of a doubt when He speaks to you.

We talked today, for about an hour, and I laid out all my concerns to her, like I should have done in the first place. We worked through a few of them, and have decided we are both going to consult with people we trust and pray about them and us for the next few weeks. If I am still feeling concerns about the relationship, we'll cross that bridge if it comes. Also, she wrote me a letter that she says will explain a lot of things about last week and hopefully will clear some things up.

I realized something about myself today. I will often have problems with something, but fail to voice my concerns for fear of causing problems with someone else, adding stress to something, or simply because I don't want to be a problem. This was one of the big things with Katy. I had all these problems that I never told her about, because I was afraid I'd end up stressing her out. For instance, I talked in an earlier post about feeling liking I was giving and never getting anything in return. When I finally told her, she got a little ticked that I felt I couldn't tell her these things. She told me that our relationship was important to her (which I knew), and that if all I needed was a voicemail or short phone call or a text message during the week, then she could do that, she just never knew I needed it. She didn't know that I would never have told her this myself.

I'm also the kind of person who will turn down the most hospitable things no matter what. For example, if I go to someone's house, and they offer a drink, I will more than likely say "no thank you." Oddly enough, the only place I ever felt comfortable taking things from someone's fridge was at Katy's house. Sometimes its from the fact of being uncomfortable in someone's home, for whatever reason, but always because I don't want to inconvience the host. Its strange that I would feel that, even with friends I've known for years. Is it bad that I do that?

Katy also told me something else that knocked me speechless. We are both at that stage in our lives where we change things about us, its just a part of growing up. The distance makes that so real to me. Because of this, unless we spend a good amount of time together before we get married, I will never feel comfortable proposing. Basically, we'd have to live in the same vicinity where I could see her often, basically get to know her again before I put a ring on her finger. She knows it could take a while before that happens, but she said that she's willing to wait. I asked her how long she is willing to wait, and she said "however long it takes." There is something she sees in me that is so good, she is willing to wait years before we get married. Now I am sure there is a limit. There has to be some point where it would be too long, and a point way before that, where it is unfair of me to make her wait. In other words, I need to get my butt in gear and find out a way to put us together. Waiting on God is the hardest thing to do.

So what needs to happen for us to be put together? Well, ideally, we would be either working in the same city, or even better, the same ministry. This would be the best way for us to get to know each other the best, and see each other in both the good, and bad light. We could really get a feel of how we work together, not just as a couple, but in ministry as well. I could see then, if I would be more productive in the ministry with her, or without her. Right now, the ministry she is with, has no place for me. They require all their employees to have at least a bachelor's degree (and then turn around and pay them only 450 a week). I don't have my associates. Even if I were to get my bachelor's degree, the place has no attraction to me at all. While its good for Katy, has what she has been looking for, its not for me. Thats the other thing. Finding a ministry we both like, and can both work at. So far, we've found two. One was only hiring males, the other, only hiring females. So, that didn't work out, and to be frank, there aren't a ton of ministries like what we are looking for that are out there.

My main concern now, is time. I know I should wait on God, and that His timing is perfect. Thats been drilled into my head since I was a kid. But I also know that sitting around on my keister won't get anything accomplished either. I could go to school, and get a degree in counseling, or even just a certificate. I've looked around, trying to find counseling degrees online, or with a minimal amount of classroom, but they just don't exist. I've considered attending Moody. With the classes I've already taken, most of the prereqs would be out of the way and I could focus on my main courses. Its pretty much the cheapest college out there, considering tuition is provided, and all you have to pay is room and board and a few fees.

I guess my other concern is that our respective fields will draw us apart. She wants to work with troubled kids ages 5-10. I want to work with troubled teens, ages 15-19. Most ministries we find that work with our respective age groups either don't pay enough to support a family, or require you to raise support, something we've agreed we would try to avoid.

The ministry she is currently working with, seems to be a God thing. Within the space of three weeks, she submitted an application, had an interview, and started working there. She's made it clear she intends to be there a while. What "a while" means, I have no clue, but I'm assuming its at least a year or two. This gives me an idea of when we could be together again, but thats assuming we find a ministry in that time frame, and both have the stroke of luck to be hired there.

This last paragraph is the kicker. It dwells on a lot of ifs. As a person, I hate to dwell on ifs. I like to work with plans, maps, the known. I am not at the point where I just let God carry me through life. I want to be there, but its a big step for me.

Thus, again, the problem lies with me.

[gg7]

Wow. Reading all of that kind of makes my head spin....so I don't know what to offer in way of words or advice, but I will say a prayer for both of you.

[The wirerat]

Originally Posted by gg7

Wow. Reading all of that kind of makes my head spin....so I don't know what to offer in way of words or advice, but I will say a prayer for both of you.

Thanks

[The wirerat]

So I got a job offer from Vermont. Its a ministry that works with troubled kids, aged 13-17. The position is an internship, built more as a job-training tool for nine months, after which I would take the place of a leaving employee. It pays $250 a month, plus room and board, which really isn't that bad considering I won't really be going anywhere. I'll be basically dropping off the face of the earth for nine months, because as of right now, I don't have a laptop, so hopefully I'll get one before the make their hiring decision. Right now, they are waiting on reference and background checks to go through, then they'll get back to me, so it'll be a few weeks.

Katy says she likes it, but also realizes that our chance for seeing each other now becomes nil, and communication will slow down to almost nothing. Not sure how she sees we can go on like this, but then I need to stop leaning on my own strength and start leaning on God and seeing how He is going to direct us.

Gah, I hate relationships. Sometimes I wish I was single just so I could live my own life, without having to answer to a significant other or check if things are okay before I do them.

[bravesfan007]

Originally Posted by The wirerat

Gah, I hate relationships. Sometimes I wish I was single just so I could live my own life, without having to answer to a significant other or check if things are okay before I do them.

Yes, but then you'll realize why most people have a deep longing for connection. Though everyone does not get married or even have close friends, the majority of us do and it's for a sincere desire to be accepted. Every time I thought about being single after getting in a relationship I remembered just how much I relied on that person and how much I enjoyed their company and wanted to be with them.

[The wirerat]

Originally Posted by bravesfan007

Yes, but then you'll realize why most people have a deep longing for connection. Though everyone does not get married or even have close friends, the majority of us do and it's for a sincere desire to be accepted. Every time I thought about being single after getting in a relationship I remembered just how much I relied on that person and how much I enjoyed their company and wanted to be with them.

I definitely agree with you, but my flesh likes the easy way out. Of course, with this whole Vermont thing, it could be better for me to be single, so I can focus on being who I feel called to be. It really is a toss-up, and trying to see which path is the best for Katy and I is where things start to get muddy.

[The wirerat]

Still no word from Vermont, I'm getting a little antsy, but I realized the other day, that with all the breaks coming up and the holidays, they may be waiting until after the year's end to start anything in the way of hiring me.

Katy and I are still together, still talking on the phone about once a week, and just occasionally over Facebook. Still unsure of where we are headed, still unsure of our future, and at times questioning our feelings for each other. I don't get it. Somehow, I get pushing on, through all the agony of separation, fighting, and questions, I push on. I know a me that, a year ago, would have given up, walked away. But I'm still here, which leaves me questioning, am I a glutton for punishment, or in love?

Which of courses begs the question, what is love? Not the crappy stupid mushy lovey dovey love, that most teenagers have at one point or another, not the love that has been thrown around so much it no longer has any meaning, but actual, true, honest to goodness love. What is it? What defines it? How does it work? How do you know if thats what you have? How do you get it? Is it earned? Fought over? Sought after?
The Bible defines a love, in 1 Cor. 13:4-8

4 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails

Is this the love we are called to have, as Christians, not only to our friends, but to our significant others? If so, I have failed this love, I have not fulfilled it, nor do I deserve it.

[The wirerat]

So I just spent the most rapturous 10-15 minutes I have had in a long time. I was fooling around on my guitar, and happened to nail the opening chords of Nearer Still Nearer. Its been a favorite hymn of mine, and I haven't sung it in a while. I had the tune running through my head, but I couldn't remember the title or any of the words (which happens to me way too much). Finally I got enough of one phrase that Google nailed it and I was able to find all the chords. I spent the next 10-15 minutes just playing it and singing, tears almost rolling down my cheeks because I could hear God telling me "Let me shelter you safe in my Haven of rest."

I have been so stressed, so torn, so weary, so worried for so long I have not just rested, and I am so overwhelmed by what happened tonight. I will sleep tonight, and probably better than I have in over two years. I can feel this supreme, overwhelming, supernatural peace just flowing over me. God help me I need this so much.

I am a broken man needing that Haven of Rest if only for one night and He has blessed me tonight...this is so awesome, there are not words

[The wirerat]

So, a couple weeks ago, I left my church. Not really because of anything massively huge, but I just felt it was time to leave and move to a place that would feed me spiritually. It had gotten to the point at my old church that I just wasn't getting fed anymore. Ironically, right about when I started really feeling this, a good friend invited me to come visit her church, so I did. I loved it. The worship was amazing, the preaching filled my soul, the people were so friendly and inviting and real. This church is everything my old church was five years ago. We went to my old church for almost 11 years. I have friends that are like family there. So its weird making this transition, seeing people from my old church throughout the week and hoping they don't ask why I've not been coming.

But I'm being fed, and I want to go to church now. I have to wake up an hour early to go, but I want to. I know that when I walk through those doors, I will be welcomed into a house of God where the people are real and the teaching is solid.

Its sad that I had to move on, but the time has come I guess. My family still goes to my old church, my dad has put his blessing on me, and said that I was free (have been for a while I guess) to go to other churches if I felt so led. I felt so led, and I left. Yet at the same time, I have this nagging thought of wondering if I did the right thing....

[bravesfan007]

I've contemplated leaving my church too for quite some time. I know it will happen soon, but I'm just not sure when. I've felt this way for some time and feel about the same as you did with your former church. I also hope I'm not making the wrong decision. I know every church has its faults, but sometimes it feels like mine has more than others and ones that really irk me too.

[The wirerat]

Originally Posted by bravesfan007

I've contemplated leaving my church too for quite some time. I know it will happen soon, but I'm just not sure when. I've felt this way for some time and feel about the same as you did with your former church. I also hope I'm not making the wrong decision. I know every church has its faults, but sometimes it feels like mine has more than others and ones that really irk me too.

The key for me was being willing to wait for God to tell you to move. My dad told me last night that at one point he contemplated leaving our church as well. But as he told the pastor, and me, God doesn't want them to move just yet.
For me, God used a friend (my new pastor's daughter, in fact) to show me where He wanted me to go. My family was out of town, so she invited me to come to her church. I did, and I loved it. Now I go there every Sunday.
I can't promise it'll be that easy (seems things never are), but wait on God and His timing, and He will bless you for it.

[The wirerat]

So Vermont got back to me. They've finished the background and reference checks and now they want to do a fairly lengthy phone call explaining the position in detail. I'm assuming some sort of an interview will also be included in the call. So right now we are in the midst of finding times that work for both of us, and going from there.

I'm fairly excited...the more I've waited, the more I've wanted this job. This could be it for me, my break from a life so boring a couch potato would feel excited.

Still worrying about the whole Katy thing. Its weird, I've seen God work in such huge massive ways in my life and others, and yet I do not have the faith to believe that He will work this thing out. I cannot wrap my head around why I cannot take this step of faith, when I have stepped out on faith, and been sent to Mongolia for three months. I did that with practically no money out of my pocket, all expenses paid by people in my church. And yet this move to Vermont, and the virtual separation from everything I know is something that I am having such a hard time having faith in. Whats my problem?

[The wirerat]

So I got a 15 minute phone call with the Program Director at the Fold. Apparently, due to staffing issues, he is working in the different positions, and will interview me over the phone as he has time, so this process could end up being fairly drawn out. Still fairly positive things to say, although he was concerned because I seem to be young in my faith, according to my references. I could see why he'd be concerned, because of the type of situations these kids bring in. He said some people grow and learn through that experience, and some just buckle under the pressure and can't take it anymore.

I view that as a challenge. I do best under pressure, not only in my physical life, but also my spiritual. I've learned (the hard way, of course) not to fall back on myself as often as I used to. I know go to God for support more and more often especially these days. I've learned that I am not as strong as I think I am, and my walls can only stand up to so much.

I'm supposed to go up to KY next week and see Katy, and then we are supposed to drive up to see her family...We've both been under a ton of stress lately, and she is incredibly nervous about me meeting the family, since she's never done this before. This is extended family, mind you, I've already met her parents and brother. I'm a little nervous as well, and the stress isn't helping, so I think it'll be best to cancel meeting the family. What we both really need right now is relaxation, and that would not help in the least bit.
Not sure how Katy is gonna take me wanting to cancel that visit, but I hope she'll understand.