[+SEAL+]

Okay, here's something I posted on another forum, all split up into seperate books. Enjoy! (BTW, on that forum, my username was "Curubethion", which figures in part of the summary)

--FOTR--

BILBO: I know half of you half as much as I would have liked, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
READER: Whoa...what does that mean?
BILBO: Okay, Frodo, take this One Ring of Power that Sauron the HORRIBLY EVIL DARK LORD is searching for with all his might, go straight into his DARK AND SCARY LAND OF MORDOR and toss the Ring into the Cracks of Doom!
FRODO: Sure thing, Uncle! Are you coming?
BILBO: No. I need to go sing with the Elves.
(FRODO goes to Bree)
PIPPIN: Guess what, everyone? That's Frodo Baggins over there, and he's on an incredibly secret mission to destroy the One Ring and everything, and of course there's Black Riders on our trail, and we're going to get killed if they find out...
FRODO: I guess it's a good time to go talk with the mysterious looks-like-a-bad-guy dude in the corner...
NAZGUL: Gotcha!
FRODO: Ouch! Oh, right...Elbereth Gilthoniel! What the heck does that mean...? Oh, well. It worked!
STRIDER: Guess what? You're gonna be a wraith if we don't get you to Rivendell!
(They go to Rivendell)
GLORFINDEL: I can't believe Liv Tyler stole my part...
ELROND: You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!
(They go to the mountains, and wimp out when they get snowed on)
GIMLI: Hey, everyone, let's go into the dark, scary Mines of Moria, and get ourselves almost killed half a dozen times!
GANDALF: Okey dokey, Gimli. You lead the way!
GANDALF: A Balrog. Run!
GANDALF: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
GANDALF: See ya in Book 2!
LORIEN ELVES: Lalalala...we're sad...lalala...
FRODO: Can we go now?
LURTZ: Raaah!
LEGOLAS: (screams) Aaaah! Er, I mean...yaaaah!
BOROMIR: Ouch!
FRODO: I'm so glad you're with me, Sam...let's ditch this crazy fellowship.

--TTT--

FRODO: Ooh, look-pointy sharp rocks.
FRODO: Ooh, look-Gollum!
FRODO: Ooh, look-corpse in the marshes!
GOLLUM: Don't follow the-
FRODO: Splash.
GOLLUM: Lights.
SMEAGOL: Good master. Nice hobbits.
GOLLUM: Nassty masster! Nassty hobbitses!
FARAMIR: Okay, am I the mean, "Take the Ring to Gondor" Faramir or the nice, "Okay Frodo, you can go to Mordor" Faramir?
CURUBETHION: Well...let's make you the latter.
FARAMIR: That works for me. Okay Frodo, you can go to Mordor.
GOLLUM: We only wish to catch a fish...
[Meanwhile, in Fangorn...]
UGLUK: Dinner time!
RANDOM ORC: Yeah, dinner time! Hey-what-stop that-aaaah!!
EOMER: Yay, let's knock some orc heads off!
MERRY: Time to meet Treebeard!
TREEBEARD: Filthybowleggednastysmellytreekillingstupidugly...
[Meanwhile, in Rohan]
LEGOLAS: The moon's red tonight. I guess that means it's spaghetti for dinner again!
GIMLI: *groan*
ARAGORN: *groan*
GANDALF THE WHITE: Boo!
LEGOLAS: Hey, cool. For a second there I thought you were Saruman...
GTW: Stupid elf. *blasts him with lightning*
LEGOLAS: Yes, Gandalf, I am most sorry...
THEODEN: I am a weak-minded slave.
GTW: Stupid human. *blasts him with lightning*
THEODEN: Hey, that felt good! Thanks! *beats up Grima*
ARAGORN: You wanna go to Helm's Deep with everybody?
EVERYONE: Sure!
[Meanwhile, in Fangorn]
TREEBEARD: ...yelloweyedredtoedorcs.
MERRY: He's done! Can we go throw rocks at Saruman now?
TREEBEARD: Saruman! That blackbloodedflinthearted...
PIPPIN: Here we go again...
[Meanwhile, in Rohan]
URUK-HAI: (banging their weapons and shields in rhythm) We will, we will, ROCK YOU!
(The Rohirrim blow on an old horn)
ARAGORN: Didn't Boromir already try that?
GTW: Here I come, it's the cavalry to save the day!
URUK-HAI: Run away!
[Meanwhile, in Fangorn]
TREEBEARD: Time to throw rocks!
M & P: Yay!
[Meanwhile, in Cirith Ungol]
SHELOB: Hiss. Scary noise. Hiss. Tasty hobbit.
FRODO: Unhh...
SAM: Bother, now I have to take the Ring...

--ROTK--

GOLLUM: Up, up, up the stairs...
CURUBETHION: Hey, that was in the last book! Get outta here-you missed your cue!
GOLLUM: *sniff, sniff* Gollum, gollum...We are sad, preciousss...
[Meanwhile, in Rohan]
GTW: Well, everyone, it's been a nice time at Helm's Deep. But I gotta go. See ya at Isengard!
TOLKIEN PURISTS: Hey, that was supposed to be in TTT! *throw rotten tomatoes*
CURUBETHION: Aack!
GTW: Hey, Pippin, you wanna go to Gondor and meet all the nasty smelly orcs and the nasty smelly Steward?
DENETHOR: Hey! I'm not nasty and smelly! I'm just nasty!
(GTW goes with PIPPIN to MINAS TIRITH)
GTW: Okay, here's the Steward of Gondor. Don't say anything about Boromir. Don't say anything about Aragorn. In fact, why don't you just shut up?
PIPPIN: Okay. Hey, Denethor, want my sword?
GTW: *groan* Stupid hobbit. *blasts him with lightning*
PIPPIN: Gondor rocks!
GTW: Dangit.
[Meanwhile, in Rivendell]
ARWEN: I'm dying.
TOLKIEN PURISTS: Hey, that wasn't in the books! *throw rotten tomatoes*
[Meanwhile, at Dunharrow]
ELROND: Arwen's dying. Here's your sword.
TOLKIEN PURISTS: Hey, that wasn't in the books! *throw rotten tomatoes*
ARAGORN: Time for the Paths of the Dead!
[Meanwhile, at Minas Tirith]
ORCS: Raaah!
DENETHOR: I'm the biggest wimp that ever lived. Ooh, pretty fire...GERONIMO!
TOLKIEN PURISTS: Hey, that wasn't in the books! *throw rotten tomatoes*
EOWYN: Boohoo...I want to fight! Hey, Merry, want a horsey ride?
WITCH-KING: No man can kill me.
EOWYN: I am no man.
LEGOLAS: I am no man. Hey, wait, I didn't mean it that way!
ARAGORN: Green slime time!
TOLKIEN PURISTS: Hey, that wasn't in the books! *throw rotten tomatoes*
GTW: Hey, wanna go up to Mr. Sauron's front door or something?
[Meanwhile, in Mordor]
FRODO: The Ring.
FRODO: Heavy.
FRODO: The Ring.
GOLLUM: Mmm...finger. *sizzle*
[Meanwhile, at the Black Gates]
PIPPIN: This is better than Gandalf's fireworks! Hey, look, the eagles are coming out of nowhere!
GTW: Yay, happy ending!
TOLKIEN PURISTS: Hey, that's not all!
CURUBETHION: Yes, it is.
TOLKIEN PURISTS: *throw rotten tomatoes*
CURUBETHION: Aack!

--The New Shadow--

BORLAS: Gondor kids are a bunch of punks.
TOLKIEN: This story stinks. I quit.

[Rock for God]

That was enlightening. Don't ask me how.