Sports Jokes

luvinjesus · 08-03-2006, 01:34 PM

The three Wolverines had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa Wolverine were splitting up, and baby Wolverine had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby Wolverine to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby Wolverine about living with his father, baby Wolverine said "No, I can't live with Papa Wolverine, he beats me terribly."

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"

"No way!" replied baby Wolverine, "She beats me worse than Papa Wolverine does."

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered baby Wolverine, "my aunt Bertha Wolverine who lives in Michigan.

You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.

"Oh definitely," said baby wolverine, "the michigan wolverines don't beat anybody."

4.
When Coach Lloyd Carr got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Michigan flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, LLoyd," said God.

"This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Lloyd felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Scarlet and Grey sidewalk, 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Ohio State flag,and in every window, Buckeyes.

LLoyd looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I have led my teams to national championships, big ten championships, rose bowl appearances. I mean I am an amazing coach.

God asked "so what do you want to know, LLoyd?"

"Well, why does Jim Tressel get a better house than me?"

God chuckled and said "Lloyd, that's not Tressel's house, it's mine."

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Ohio,the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills. The people from Ohio are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable football team who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth, losers I'm putting next to them in Michigan."

7. A highly recruited high school football player...
was visiting schools to try and find the best college to attend. His first stop was at the University Of Michigan . Upon entering Lloyd Carr's office, Coach Carr immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God. We'll let him know." and hung up. The boy said, "Hey, I've seen that phone before. Can I use yours to call God and ask what college I should pick?"Sure, you can! But it's going to cost you $1,250. Calling Heaven isn't cheap." The fellow didn't have that kind of money, so he moved along. Who would want to live in Michigan anyway?

His next stop was Florida State. When he got there, Bobby Bowden immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up. This shocked the young man. He asked the coach what was so special about the golden phone."Well, this phone is a direct line to God. And God tells us whether or not new recruits would be stars at our university. And we think you could be one of our stars!" The athlete asked if he could use the phone to ask God what college he should pick" Bowden said, "Sure, but it's going to cost you $150. Calling Heaven isn't cheap." Again, not having that kind of money, the lad left. He didn't want to live in Florida either.

His last stop was in Columbus, Ohio, Ohio State . Upon arrival at the office, Coach Tressel picked up a golden telephone, talked to God. After a few minutes he said, "Thanks," and hung up. The boy just had to use that phone, so he said, "Coach, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose. From U Of M it was going to cost me $1,250. From Florida State they wanted $150. So how much will it cost me to call Heaven from here at ohio state ?"

The coach smiled and said, "Nothing, son. It's a local call."

8. Two boys are playing football at a park in Columbus when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.
A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy, "I'll title it 'Young Buckeye Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal'".
"But I'm not a Buckeye fan," the little hero replies.
Oh, I thought everyone from Ohio was a Buckeye Fan. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks."I'm an Univeristy of Michigan fan," the boy replies. "They're the best."
The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Demon From Michigan Kills Beloved Family Pet."

9.On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Michigan jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Ohio State jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Wolverine fan from the water.

Then using (autographed by Woody himself) baseball bats, the three heroes in OSU Red beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Buckeye and Michigan fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "He may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know crap about shark fishing.... how's the bait holding up?"

11.The Seven Dwarfs are in a cave when the roof collapses. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells into the darkness, "Somebody, say something!"

A distant voice responds, "U of M will win the BCS Championship!"

Snow White sighs, "Oh, thank goodness! At least, Dopey is still alive!

15.In the Ohio State Buckeyes locker room in Columbus, there's a sign stating - "Play like champions today!"

There's also one in the Michigan Wolverines locker room that says:
"Don't forget your HELMET!

What is the difference between a litter of puppies and Michigan fans?
The puppies stop whining after 6 weeks.
Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at U Of M. The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
What is the difference between the Wolverines and Rice Crispies? Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.
Why did Lloyd Carr make his Michigan Wolverines start eating their Wheaties straight out of the box?
Because they choke whenever they get near bowls.