[Ordinary Sarah]

I looked up at the moon,
The one that you can see, too.
I remember you told me how it looked.
For a moment I wondered how it would feel in my mouth;
Would it taste like hope
Or something more like doubt?

I imagined that I
Held your gaze with mine,
And for a moment I thought that I'd see
You rise from your seat,
Even if just in your mind,
And all at once fall to your knees.

I let a cookie tell me my fortune today.
It said wait for the deep things,
They will come when they may.
Everyone laughed,
They said it was fate -
But the irony made me ashamed.

[rockstar0173]

wow... touching.
i like it

[Ordinary Sarah]

Thanks =)

[PROPHETSONG]

hey that was deep,

[Ordinary Sarah]

Thanks.

[Amanda]

The Amanda has returned.

Originally Posted by SarahTheGuitarist

I looked up at the moon,
The one that you can see, too.
I remember you told me how it looked.

A bit cliche. But sweet.

For a moment I wondered how it would feel in my mouth;
Would it taste like hope
Or something more like doubt?

This, on the other hand, is a great metaphor--the sensory aspects of it are really cool.

I imagined that I
Was looking into your eyes,
And for a moment I thought that I'd see
You rise from your seat,
Even if just in your mind,
And all at once fall to your knees.

The "was looking" feels a bit clunky, a bit passive--"Looked" or even "gazed" or "stared" would pack more force behind it. And what do you mean by the "even if just in your mind"?

I let a cookie tell me my fortune today.
It said wait for the deep things,
They will come when they may.
Everyone laughed,
They said it was fate -
But the irony made me ashamed.

NICE. I really like this a lot.

Overall, it's good stuff.

[Ordinary Sarah]

The Amanda has returned.

The "was looking" feels a bit clunky, a bit passive--"Looked" or even "gazed" or "stared" would pack more force behind it. And what do you mean by the "even if just in your mind"?

Mmm, okay. I think we can do that. And what I basically meant was, even though someone may not fall to their knees literally, you might be able to tell by looking in their eyes that they are feeling just that. I hope that makes sense.

Overall, it's good stuff.

Thanks.

[poorprince87]

Sheesh. Amanda makes me feel like I should have a reason not to like it. But I don't.

Gah, Amanda, just spoil things, whydontcha?

The first stanza's metaphor captured my taste for personalized, detached, (but familiar) subtleties.
You almost lost me with the first couple of lines in your second stanza, because it started to feel like a more "romancey" poem (which always seem a bit superficial to me), but you saved it with a complete shift in direction with the next lines. So, who are you talking to anyway?
The last stanza seemed reminiscent of the finales at fireworks shows. At least in a literary sense. One of the best of yours I've read.

If you can, I'm curious about alot of the meanings behind the words. If you can't share, that's cool. I'm just curious.

daniel

[Ordinary Sarah]

Haha, thanks, Daniel. I am glad you enjoy it so much.

As far as who I'm talking to and what I'm trying to say... while I'm a little wary of always explaining what I'm trying to say (sometimes it ruins the way that people relate to something by bringing their own ideas and feelings to the table as a start point, which I think makes art what it is), I don't mind letting you know if you're curious. I'll pm you.

[SageMenno]

When I read this on your xanga, I hadn't realized you had written it. As I said then, it is really good.

[Ordinary Sarah]

Yep, I did. Thanks, Dan.