[danalyn]

as of March Break it looks as though my brother will be moving in with us.
Chris & I talked about it last year and I said that one stipulation on him living here with us is that he must finish highschool. Also dating (although negotiable) won't happen till he's 16 at least.

I also thought a responable rule is that the boys--Chris and Jesse--each do dishes once a week. Make your bed & put dirty clothes in the hamper.




Any other suggestions? Any thoughts on what a 12 year old boy needs?

[Jonular]

I'd say get rid of all the video games in the house, so he doesn't become a nerd, like somebody else you may know rather well.

~Jon

[smitty2622]

I would recommend putting all your expectations in writing with consequences for not meeting said expectations. I’d make it very detailed things like curfews acceptable grades TV time, even bed times and DAILY chores. Things like deodorant brushing teeth clean clothes acceptable language and friends. The more detailed the better don’t start out too easy on him. It’s really hard to escalate discipline and become harder, but it’s easy to slack off on areas and ease up on things later. Set your expectations VERY high you can always loosen up, but tightening up makes it harder on everyone. A 12 year old needs boundaries and rules they will also require discipline. You should know where he is and who he’s with at ALL times. The higher you set the expectations the higher he will achieve, even if he doesn’t meet them all he will reach higher with higher expectations. It’s not fun being hard on a kid but it pays off in the long run. I’m not saying he shouldn’t have any freedom just really controlled freedom. I hope this helps some a 12 year old is a lot of responsibility; you should take it very seriously…





Peace

[nate95366]

Originally Posted by danalyn

I also thought a responable rule is that the boys--Chris and Jesse--each do dishes once a week. Make your bed & put dirty clothes in the hamper.

In my house, those would be considered very low expectations for a housemate.
If there's 7 days in a week and 3 people to wash dishes, and 2 of then are only required to wash dishes once a week, who gets the lion's share of the dishes?... is this proportional to who dirties the lion's share?

Also, if the only cleaning tasks required are the making of one's bed and putting soiled clothes in their proper place, who is expected to do all of the other house-cleaning and maintainance? These two things remind me of "chores" one might give to a child in the primary-intermediate grades, but in this context they remind me of a way to disproportionately assign housework - the males in the house get off virtually scott free!

Nate

[danalyn]

Originally Posted by nate95366

In my house, those would be considered very low expectations for a housemate.
If there's 7 days in a week and 3 people to wash dishes, and 2 of then are only required to wash dishes once a week, who gets the lion's share of the dishes?... is this proportional to who dirties the lion's share?
Nate

I get what you're saying, but right now I do all the dishes. In comparison to how things have been for me, this is high hopes...

[ThanksALatte]

I agree with the writing it down... My parents had my 16 year old cousin live with them for a year and they regretted not coming up with more specific guidelines at the beginning... It had been a while since they'd had adolescents in the house (I am the youngest and I was at college the two years before).

Think hard about all areas...cleanliness, room condition, etc and write it down and go over it from the beginning. Also mention that even though you are his sister and brother-in-law, you are still the head(s) of the house, and he needs to yield to your authority (yet another issue with my parents and cousin). Financially, what is the arrangement? Are you getting a stipend for his needs each month or for his spending money?

[H.M. Murdock]

Originally Posted by ThanksALatte

Are you getting a stipend for his needs each month or for his spending money?

Spending money? What the crap?
If a kid wants money, let 'em work for it. Period. When did this cockamamey idea that kids should get allowances get developed, anyway?

[Mara's Mom]

He's going to need lots of love, Danalyn. Lots of "talk" time and lots of listening and lots of prayer. Find things to do with him. Things where you can spend time just being with him. He may act like he doesn't like that, but it will be a lie. DON'T BELIEVE THE LIE, DANALYN!!

[Insane Drummer]

Originally Posted by H.M. Murdock

Spending money? What the crap?
If a kid wants money, let 'em work for it. Period. When did this cockamamey idea that kids should get allowances get developed, anyway?

12 year olds really can't work for money, unless you pay them for doing chores, which sends a very bad message. Besides teaching children good money management young is not a bad idea. An allowance is not always some hideous thing.

Oh, wait Jason Smith thinks it is, so everyone who disagrees is a moron with no intellect, sorry.

[rkfan4]

Originally Posted by Mara's Mom

He's going to need lots of love, Danalyn. Lots of "talk" time and lots of listening and lots of prayer. Find things to do with him. Things where you can spend time just being with him. He may act like he doesn't like that, but it will be a lie. DON'T BELIEVE THE LIE, DANALYN!!

very true.
i never acted like i liked it, but the time my parents and i got to talk meant a lot.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by Insane Drummer

12 year olds really can't work for money, unless you pay them for doing chores, which sends a very bad message. Besides teaching children good money management young is not a bad idea. An allowance is not always some hideous thing.

Oh, wait Jason Smith thinks it is, so everyone who disagrees is a moron with no intellect, sorry.

Um... I was working by 12, for money, outside the house.

[ThanksALatte]

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

Um... I was working by 12, for money, outside the house.

Wow...where? I mean, I was babysitting when I was 12, but that's really it. But most 12 year old boys don't want to babysit. (and I really didn't get paid for babysitting...)

When I said "spending money" I didn't necessarily mean allowance. I meant stuff such as going out with friends, or going to camp during the summer, church activities, etc. I do think kids should work for their money, but I don't think they should be financially independent at that age. Anyhow...this is diverting from the topic so I'll shut up.

[Insane Drummer]

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

Um... I was working by 12, for money, outside the house.

Well, ok, I am always bad at estimating ages. Maybe I am thinking younger.

[danalyn]

Originally Posted by Mara's Mom

He's going to need lots of love, Danalyn. Lots of "talk" time and lots of listening and lots of prayer. Find things to do with him. Things where you can spend time just being with him. He may act like he doesn't like that, but it will be a lie. DON'T BELIEVE THE LIE, DANALYN!!

well, at this point there are things on my mind that he can help with like painting; decorating his room so it's his room... I'll be with him most evenings, so we'll need things othe rthan homework to do.

[danalyn]

Originally Posted by ThanksALatte

Financially, what is the arrangement? Are you getting a stipend for his needs each month or for his spending money?

we are getting a stipend... or something anyhow. Gramma is going to help with living expenses, etc.
I hadn't really thought of spending money. My Grandparents didn't do the allowance thing... but on the other hand, we were generally able to ask for anything we wanted... (don't read that wrong. ask for, not always get everything we wanted)