[xxSparkOfLifexx]

Well actually I have more friends here than I have in Rotterdam. It's not friends that I miss (of course I miss them too), but I miss the sphere, the climate, my room and my privacy

Anyway... I won't trade my living in China experience with anything. It's worth it and I choose to do this myself

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

Have you ever experienced this weird satisfaction inside? You know when people are glad that they have you to do things, like they're somehow dependent on you, like they'll be in trouble if you're not around? What make it worse is... you realize how important you are and you like it. You like to be needed, considered helpful, to be looked upon to and you try so hard to maintain this image... like it's all that matters to you.

It's not right! To some extend this kind of satisfaction is not right. For whom are you doing all this? God and Him alone! Deep inside I realize that this is wrong, but I just can't help it?! At first, I took all those ministries offered to me simply because we don't have enough people to start with. At first, it was love. At first, it was so pure. For God and for Him alone. Then arrogance came and ruined it all. Motivation is not right anymore. Since when I'm jealous if someone else come to help? Afraid that they will take away my self satisfaction of doing all those things alone? some portion of the appreciation from others? Since when I care about image? I don't even have one to start with. Since when I care about what people think? A once delinquent kid like me.

Because it was simply there. As human you just can't resist the "temptation" to be loved, to be needed, to be considered important. No matter how hard you try to fight it. Arrgghh, is it love again after all? The wrong kind of love, the worst of the kind... seeking love from human, not God.

Thirst for attention, thirst for love. I haven't grown up much, have I?

[SieSie]

Actually I think that you have grown a lot. You realized what you were doing worng and admitted it. That is really hard for some people.

I know when I want to be the one that does it all and I want people to come for me for help, I have to take a step back and give what ever service I'm doing to God. Then I will be more humble and do the deed sincerly for God instead of doing to for myself. Am I making any sense?

How are you doing emotionally there?

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

Yes, you make sense I find it hard doing things only for God... most of the time I do it for God and myself.

I'm doing emotionally great.

In fact... no emotion.

I'm very stable right now.

A good thing.



Ow, look how time flies. It's been... hmm, 3 months since my last visit

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

Everytime I think about things that I have to explain when I'm back home stresses me out. I'm definitely sure that I won't coming back to that local church after that 'incident' just before I left for China. Well, what do you expect? After hearing a confession of love from a married man? What's worse... a confession of affection from a "shepherd" to a girl in the congregation? How many times have you seen this case? I guess.. none.

I was furious. Well who doesn't? Five years of hard-working, tears-shading, heart-breaking, social-life-outside-church-sacrifying and whatnot... all was ruined in 5 minutes. The confession was completely unnecessary. I mean what are you trying to gain? Even if I did feel the same towards him (heck no!).

Six months abroad has cooled down my heart and soul, but I can't control my memory (which happens to be extremely excellent). It's hard to forget everything and act normal like nothing happens. It's hard to work under his leading while my mind keeps reminding me of what he said in the past.

"Forgiven but not forgotten"
I never really understand this phrase, but now I do. The anger and the disappointment are gone, what's left is the memory of that incident. He's forgiven but not forgotten. Oh how I wish that I was a computer. Delete a file, empty your recycle bin and that's it.

Okay back to the real problem...
Now the real problem is... how to explain why I'm not coming to church anymore to some people I don't want them to know? In five years, there's no one single day I didn't come to church without an explanation (e.g. sick, out of the country). Coming out with another explanation besides the truth has completely squeezed life out of me. Skipping the first sunday service with I-am-still-tired or I-need-to-tidy-up-my-room is still possible, but what about the next sunday services???

How to explain it to my roommate? She'll notice it directly. Hmm, maybe I should tell her the truth and told her not to tell anybody else. When people ask why I'm not coming anymore, it'll be her problem, not mine . Or tell her to ask the pastor wife and the elders? Gaah, I don't know!!!

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

Oh look how long I've been gone without posting.

I'm proud :P

In the meanwhile, I've found a new church. An international church. I like it there and as with the problem I had with my previous church (actually with a particular someone), just considered it solved .

The devil's still whispering to me, yes every now and then, that my passion to do things for God won't be blessed. He keeps whispering to me that I haven't forgiven him and the only reason to prove that I have done so is to go back to that church and restart everything as if nothing is ever happened. For a while, the thought kept dragging me down. It kept me away from people, from involving myself in any church social life, afraid to get hurt again. I was all alone (well God is always with me, but I didn't realize it then).

But everything is alright now. God is with me, I'm not running away from people, I'm beginning to give in and foolishly attached myself to a local church once more.

One thing for sure though, I need to reveal my "past" to at least someone from the homegroup I'm joining to stop the attacks from the devil. I believe that as soon as the truth is revealed, he won't have any reason to bring me down anymore.

One thing still bothering me is... am I going to be released from the thought that it will happen again? I'm afraid of guys now, especially married guys.

Oh well, one thing at a time. I'll deal with that when it happens.

Over.

[leiarose]

How long are you going to be in China? What are you studying - along with just learning the language?

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

Oh wow, a visitor.. in the X section?!

Originally Posted by leiarose

How long are you going to be in China? What are you studying - along with just learning the language?

Eh, I'm not in China anymore. I was there 4.5 months, just because I had no class that semester and I came there to learn the language

[leiarose]

Originally Posted by xxSparkOfLifexx

Oh wow, a visitor.. in the X section?!


Eh, I'm not in China anymore. I was there 4.5 months, just because I had no class that semester and I came there to learn the language

Oh, okay. I imagine that's a great way to learn through immersion.

I'm Laura.

[~FreT~]

Hey Sparky! You're alive.

[Ordinary Sarah]

It took me forever to figure out your blog title.

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

Yeah I'm alive!

Wonder why people visit my blog everytime I'm not there?! Hi Sarah! Welcome..

and.. the reason I came here today... I need to get something out...

DO NOT RUN AWAY
FACE IT!!

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vd6BPhJjYL4


Yeaaaahh, I found a new goal.

[I Jam For God]

i picked a random journal and yours was it. I'll read it if thats ok w/u

[I Jam For God]

Oh yeah of course. I'm Joel