[xxSparkOfLifexx]

Today I was struck by a weird jealous feeling inside and no... it has nothing to do with boys. I'm jealous because someone I like (of the same sex) pays more attention to another friend of mine (of the same sex too). They seem to have a lot of fun when they're talking and there's no way I can jump in, because I have no idea what they're talking about. You know.. it's like they're talking about only-between-us kinda thing. And when I ask them about it, they're like: "What? You didn't know?" and off they go with the "story" again. I try to follow the conversation, try to understand what's going on the hook, but I just can't. Nothing I can relate with, nothing I'm familiar with, nothing I've heard about before. How come nobody tells me ANYTHING? . I feel ignored, I feel outcasted, I feel unneeded, I feel... sad?

Heh, probably my own fault for being such a coward. I'm afraid to ask too personal questions, to cross the line between privacy and public, to enter the sensitive zone .

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

Her Dad is a pastor, her Mom is someone you can look up to, her siblings and even herself are involved in different kind of ministries. An ideal christian family, so they say. Few days ago, she jumped off from a building and died. It's a shock. She's indeed a bit quiet and some people are just quiet from nature, so nobody ever think that she has problems... or lonely... or going to kill herself. Once again we, the church, have failed to see someone in need.

I sort of know what's going on in the mind of a quiet girl, because I am one too. The feeling of uncool, boring, uncomfortable to be with and all that jazz. I tried so hard to make myself "noticed" by saying bad things about someone who everybody bullied at school, being a rebellious against my own will, giving out answers during exams (I belong to the top 10 in high school ). It worked. I was quite popular. When I stop doing these things, my popularity went down, so I started doing it again. So the sick cycle continues. I knew deep inside that it's wrong, I had no peace inside, it's eating me alive. I had no real friends, the "bullied" group hated me and the "popular" group was just using me. I felt so alone. I wanted to end it all. Fortunately, instead of killing myself, I decided to build a wall around me. Who cares about being popular? Who cares about being a nerd? High school games suck. I don't need you all. Since then I always operate alone. If you don't want to talk, if you don't feel like telling me anything, so be it.

Okay that's a little bit out of track . Back to the girl.

I don't know the girl, it happens in other church. But when I hear this, she kinda reminds me of myself. Yes, I'm involved in different kind of ministries. Everybody looks up to me like I'm such a mature person in Christ, but I know deep inside I have "things" I still have to figure out. The wall I build around my soul is not so strong as I thought. If it is, I won't feel any jealousy, I won't feel lonely, I won't feel anything, I won't need any attention but the fact is... I do, I do need attention from flesh and blood. I know I must not rely on human, but I just can't help it???

Anyway, I think it's about time to break that stupid wall and try to build another kind of wall, a better one.

"When God accepts me, I need no acceptance from others"
but...
"Please do feel for them..."

Eh, I think I never really stop feeling for others. I promise myself to pay more attention to teenage girls (11-13 year old) in my church, especially the quiet ones. I'll try to start a conversation with them. I don't know how though. Ten years age gap is definitely an obstacle, but I'll try my best.

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

I'm already awake when the sun rose on all the sleeping people this morning. To be more precise.... I haven't slept yet. That's what I do, when people sleep, I'm wide awake, when they're busy with their daily life activities, I sleep. I've been doing this since... I'm not sure, I think I somehow have it in my blood, I'm a night person. I've never really really realized it until couple of months ago. The fact that I don't have any classes to attend anymore, has simply twisted my life 180 degrees. To me, daylight is night and night is just as good as daylight. I'm really okay with that, trully.

Goodbye, noises on daylight.
Welcome, silence of the night.

If there's any job in this world that fits my educational background and needs night shift people, I'm sure I'll be the first one who applies. Pity enough, this is not for me to choose.

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

I'm posting it for myself...

You say: "It's impossible"
God says: All things are possible
(Luke 18:27)

You say: "I'm too tired"
God says: I will give you rest
(Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: "Nobody really loves me"
God says: I love you
(John 3:16 & John 3:34 )

You say: "I can't go on"
God says: My grace is sufficient
(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

You say: "I can't figure things out"
God says: I will direct your steps
(Proverbs 3:5-6)

You say: "I can't do it"
God says: You can do all things
(Philippians 4:13)

You say: "I'm not able"
God says: I am able
(II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: "It's not worth it"
God says: It will be worth it
(Roman 8:28)

You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: I Forgive you
(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: "I can't manage"
God says: I will supply all your needs
(Philippians 4:19)

You say: "I'm afraid"
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear
( II Timothy 1:7)

You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: Cast all your cares on ME
(I Peter 5:7)

You say: "I don't have enough faith"
God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith
(Romans 12:3)

You say: "I'm not smart enough"
God says: I give you wisdom
(I Corinthians 1:30)

You say: "I feel all alone"
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you
(Hebrews 13:5)

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

God, I'm really sorry for today. I suck. I don't have self-confidence. I mess it all. I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it because I rely on myself too much? and I'm not even good.

My going abroad in few months from now... is it Your way to pull me out of all of this? Thank You God. Thank You for pulling me out right on time, right when I'm just about to crash real bad. Build me again, fix me so I could go back standing on my feet again... and then continue the war. Pick me up where I left off. Help me. I will trust in You.

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

I finally cried in front of everybody.

I showed my weak side.

It's so embarassing.

I don't know if I can face people now.

Plus, my eyes are swollen.

I hope yesterday was a dream, but it is not.

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

Lots of things inside
Way back home things are messed up with Mom and Dad
They shall perish unless a miracle happens
Can't talk heart to heart with them
Talking to them is like talking to my boss or teachers
At home my friends are using me
Oh, we're so happy you're back
Now please fix the internet
Fix this, fix that
Borrow this, borrow that
What about my day?
No one really cares
For them, I'm just somekind of a handy girl to have in house
Why don't stab me in the back as well?

The church has no idea because I never tell
I don't even have the chance
Just look at the line of people waiting to be helped
Everyone thinks that everything is fine
Everyone thinks I'm a happy girl
but inside I want to scream
I don't cry anymore since 8th grade
Thanks to my Dad
So I cry when there's no people around
Nobody ever really saw me cry
I don't cut
I don't jump
Sleeping pills are far way better if I want to do it

I don't know who my true friends are
No one is real anymore
It seems the people I can trust are on the internet
Simply because I expect nothing from them
and neither do they
But they're not real person if I want to be honest

Why do people put so much pressure on me?
Too many expectations
Too many obligations
Too much, everything is just too much for me
So I crashed yesterday
I feel like... so many people would be happy if I just disappear
No one would miss me
All they see is what I can do for them
not who I am

Everyone told me
well take it easy, call to Jesus
like I don't know how
Well I tell you now, I NEVER have any problem with God
He's just great and all
but it is you people!
Now I feel like a failure to Him
as I'm slowly running away from the ministry
to avoid dealing with some people
Bringing glory to His name?
not with I am right now
Inside I'm glad that I have an excuse... going abroad
Honestly, it's an act of running away
Maybe it'll do me some good
Maybe I really need a break
A break from every people I see these days
A break from whatever evil spirits binding this country
This country, the people or whatever

[Demon_Hunter]

Originally Posted by xxSparkOfLifexx

I'm posting it for myself...

You say: "It's impossible"
God says: All things are possible
(Luke 18:27)

You say: "I'm too tired"
God says: I will give you rest
(Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: "Nobody really loves me"
God says: I love you
(John 3:16 & John 3:34 )

You say: "I can't go on"
God says: My grace is sufficient
(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

You say: "I can't figure things out"
God says: I will direct your steps
(Proverbs 3:5-6)

You say: "I can't do it"
God says: You can do all things
(Philippians 4:13)

You say: "I'm not able"
God says: I am able
(II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: "It's not worth it"
God says: It will be worth it
(Roman 8:28)

You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: I Forgive you
(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: "I can't manage"
God says: I will supply all your needs
(Philippians 4:19)

You say: "I'm afraid"
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear
( II Timothy 1:7)

You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: Cast all your cares on ME
(I Peter 5:7)

You say: "I don't have enough faith"
God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith
(Romans 12:3)

You say: "I'm not smart enough"
God says: I give you wisdom
(I Corinthians 1:30)

You say: "I feel all alone"
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you
(Hebrews 13:5)

I liked this. Especially those last 3.

Alot of people sudgest praying specific scriptures over your life when something is going wrong. I think that would be a good idea.


Anyways, I hope things get cleared up, and that you will be doing better soon.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Sounds like you are having a rough year, believe it or not, I kinda identify about the whol church music thing. I have half way been cut from the church worship team... (They have canceled me for 4 weeks straight) The thing is, is I make the worship leader nervous. The rest of the worship team is a rock band that plays together and I am an outsider. I play well, the lead guitarist likes the flavor I bring which tends to be unique. I don't play stereotypical P & W so..... I guess I am off the team myself.

No real point here except to commiserate.

[SieSie]

Hey I thought that I would come and post in your blog since you posted in mine.
It does sound like you've had a rough year. I loved all the verses that you put up. It made me think about what I think that I can do and what Godknows what I can do. You sound like a very interesting person (note: this is soposed to be a compliment so please take it that way.)
See you around in the bloggish world out there.

peace out

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

I still don't know how to deal with people, especially the ones who call themselves Christians. I don't know why they seem to be the ones who hurt me the most.. even worse than unbelievers. I'm not bitter, not yet. I guess it takes more than that to make me.

[Wesley7777]

hey sparky

how in the world did you come up with the name of your blog?

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

I have nothing to ramble today. So I ramble about nothing [read: I am such a procrastinator].

Computer room can be so scary sometimes. I'll tell you why. A couple of tables behind me, there're these groups of people discussing, no wait discussing is definitely not the word I'm looking for. Debating. Yeah, that's the word..... They're debating about some layout, cover layout for some paper. What ever happen to the contents of the paper. Gosh, some people just like to debate.

A girl next to me is sleeping, I mean really really sleeping like you're in your own room, lol.

Two guys a couple of table away from me are talking about video games and other guys stuff. Hey, they're talking so loud, you can't help it not to hear what they're talking about . Xenosaga... hmm, maybe I should try that one too.

Dang, she wakes up. I hope she didn't catch me watching her sleep, lol.

I know what you're thinking, but I'm not, okay? .

Okay, she's gone now. She asked me to watch her things... probably went to the ladies room, washing her face. Wise.

They're still debating about the layout.

Which will say that I can't concentrate in here. I'm outta here.

Oh wait, of course I still have to wait for that girl to come back.
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
I have nothing more to say or think out loud for.

Over and out.

Originally Posted by wesley7777

hey sparky

how in the world did you come up with the name of your blog?

Exactly what this blog is meant for in the first place.

Translation: "Just a place to type"

[Wesley7777]

hey sparky,

how was your Chritmas?

[xxSparkOfLifexx]

I live alone in this country and all the friends I make here went home to their parents for Christmas, so I kinda spent my Christmas in church.

The celebration was different this year because of my genius?/stupid? idea.

Instead of having the regular Christmas service, we changed the whole thing into a Christmas lunch + movie (about the life of Jesus according to Luke). The movie is not my idea though.

Instead of inviting those Christmas Christians (the ones who only come to church when it's Christmas), we invited any kind of people, our non-believer neighbours, people we meet in restaurants...well, basically anybody who wants to join the lunch.

Not so many people came though. My genius?/stupid? idea??

Anyway!!! It was nice knowing that there're also people having no one to come home to in Christmas.