[Cadence]

It Burns To Care

It's time to put my weary heart to rest.
Who am I kidding, though? I'll never do it.
I can't seem to leave well enough alone.
I know what is best, yet I persist.

O fierce emotions - will you ever leave me be?
Let me alone to dance with a mind at ease.
O wayward soul - will you ever cease to be untamed?
Stand firm, and lay hold of that which is honorable.

My head is spinning faster than I care for it to.
It's difficult for me to keep balance.
A steady wind will knock me to the ground. I am weak.
The summer breeze that once kissed my face has turned into a raging storm.

At least that's what it feels like to me.
I'm sure other's are standing tall.
My perspectives - they're scewed. I'm crumbling while others are growing. Don't leave me behind - by myself - in pieces.

Choices to make. Bridges to burn. Acts of wisdom.

Why can't I stop this whirlwind? I can't be this unsteady.
I get carried away. I hurt people.
Why is selfishness such an intense, yet unwanted desire within me?
Why won't I desire other's happiness far above my own? I desire that desire. I don't want to hurt you. I will keep to myself.

Things I touch turn to dust and ash. I don't belong here - here with you.
You deserve better, and I know this is the truth.
Why fool myself into thinking I'm what is best?
I'll be what I can - a broken, tired child.
I'm so very tired of my ways. I'm literally drained.
Emotionally - on the ground. Choking for air.

Who am I to think? What gives me the nerve?
I don't know if I mean any of this.
Maybe I mean it more than I let on.
I don't know what I mean anymore.
I just know: It burns to care

[poorprince87]

Window to your struggles. Made better, because its echoed by many. Good poem, man. But I'll have to leave the details to guitarczar.

Daniel

[Cadence]

anybody else?

[Jeffrey]

I was inspired by the title to write the following poem. I put it here so folks wouldn't go "Hey, his title sounds too much like Cadence's." Yes, indeed. So I placed it here.

Anyway, I think you're heading in a good direction, but I'd be careful with rhetorical questions. I find that when they are too numerous or couched in too long of a poem, they can come across as a bit pathetic. That's my big complaint against my recent piece "outcome." My last major part has way too many questions. I am probably going to revise it and condense two dozen lines into two.

I also think your poem would do well to have some more imagery - show, don't tell.

I do like the weather imagery and think centering the poem around this would do well. You could start with remembrance of the calm breeze, then grow to a raging storm, then, in the center of the poem and "eye of the storm," pose your "Why?" then return to a raging tempest that threatens to drown out the question.

Anyway, here's my silly piece inspired by your title.


It Burns When I Care

by j. bryan shoup

A solid arc from source to settlement, hands now
pressed against a foundation that shifts and bends

Graffiti on the stalls, around the drains:
"Lower-class postures, middle-class upbringing,
no-fault divorces and third year Spanish courses,
you can't fault us for resenting the lap of luxury."

Hoping to find gold at the bottom, by the blue.
Distilling and, God willing, finding a cure but
knowing that the cycle of my own thoughts yields
little but tiny pearls overworked in the back corners
of a cranium where the Sandman has dumped
one too many dreams.

[SmileAndFollow]

It's time to put my weary heart to rest.
Who am I kidding, though? I'll never do it.
I can't seem to leave well enough alone.
I know what is best, yet I persist.

Maybe leave out the question here. I dont think it would effect the flow.

O fierce emotions - will you ever leave me be?
Let me alone to dance with a mind at ease.
O wayward soul - will you ever cease to be untamed?
Stand firm, and lay hold of that which is honorable.

I like the questions here. Let me alone to dance with my mind at ease is a great line.

My head is spinning faster than I care for it to.
It's difficult for me to keep balance.
A steady wind will knock me to the ground. I am weak.
The summer breeze that once kissed my face has turned into a raging storm.

This stanza seems weak to me. The last line is good, but the rest could use some revision.

At least that's what it feels like to me.
I'm sure other's are standing tall.
My perspectives - they're scewed. I'm crumbling while others are growing. Don't leave me behind - by myself - in pieces.

The first two lines are good. I think "my perspectives are scewed" flows better than the break.

Choices to make. Bridges to burn. Acts of wisdom.

mmhmm.

Why can't I stop this whirlwind? I can't be this unsteady.
I get carried away. I hurt people.
Why is selfishness such an intense, yet unwanted desire within me?
Why won't I desire other's happiness far above my own? I desire that desire. I don't want to hurt you. I will keep to myself.

I like this, but the last line seems weak.

Things I touch turn to dust and ash. I don't belong here - here with you.
You deserve better, and I know this is the truth.
Why fool myself into thinking I'm what is best?
I'll be what I can - a broken, tired child.
I'm so very tired of my ways. I'm literally drained.
Emotionally - on the ground. Choking for air.

"I dont belong here-with you" fits better. The two heres right next to eachother dont mesh.
"Im so very tired of my ways, literally drained" Leave out the second I'm. I like the rest.

Who am I to think? What gives me the nerve?
I don't know if I mean any of this.
Maybe I mean it more than I let on.
I don't know what I mean anymore.
I just know: It burns to care

This is a nice ending. I can relate to this a lot. I think anyone can... Overall a good work, but Ive seen better from you. Work on it. I like Jeffs idea about shaping the poem into a passing storm. Work with that.

[Cadence]

thank you Joel. i truly appreciate your honest critique. thank you.


what, may i ask, have you seen from me that is better?

[SmileAndFollow]

Originally Posted by Cadence

thank you Joel. i truly appreciate your honest critique. thank you.


what, may i ask, have you seen from me that is better?

I remember that i have been really impressed by some of your writings in your xanga. There was one about getting lost in the backroads or something that I really enjoyed. My memory sucks, so the fact that I remembered the subject matter surprises me... You always seem to have really great idas and word choice, this one is a great idea, but the wording doesnt do as much for me as others.

[Cadence]

Originally Posted by SmileAndFollow

I remember that i have been really impressed by some of your writings in your xanga. There was one about getting lost in the backroads or something that I really enjoyed. My memory sucks, so the fact that I remembered the subject matter surprises me... You always seem to have really great idas and word choice, this one is a great idea, but the wording doesnt do as much for me as others.

thanks bud....perhaps i'll post that one next

[Ordinary Sarah]

I liked it. I thought it was really emotional, and I could really relate to it. The intro is a little shaky to me, but you definitely redeemed yourself later on.