ok well I have been sitting here for about 4 hours trying to decide whether to write my life down for all you people to read ...I woke up in the night in a panic not being able to sleep so here I am....

By the way a lot of this might not make sense cause this is a lot of stuff and emotion all mixed up at one time...Im trying to make sense of it myslef..and Im just venting so bare with me....

Im 20 years old now and just getting ready to go back to school...It will be my second year...Im so worried about doing well and making sure that Im in the right place...right now Im taking the nursing program and I have always thought thats what I wanted....

ok so some background history...elelmentary school is where my life started to go downhill I never felt like I fitted in anywhere....I was bullied in school so much that I stayed in for recesses...I didnt' have many friends....I started to eat whenever I was stressed...had absolutely no self-worth....highschool depression started....I met my best friend who started taking me to her youth group with her....alll my life I have had people convinced I am PERFECT...which cleary I am not ....they saw someone who never partied, , never got into trouble, was obsessive about school and always said good things about people...I was an amazing actress...I still am .....to them I was a nice christian girl with such a good heart who liked everyone but I was falling apart inside and no one ever noticed...

it makes me so sick....my own friends dont even know whats going on in my life anymore cause I have become so good at wearing a mask....I think that I have buried my feelings for so long that I dont even know what the real issue is anymore....all I know is I am not happy...and Im terrified of people and what they think of me....Im so scared of failure and I feel so alone and not good enough for anthing or anyone....

I have gone through periods when I thought I wanted to die..I dont think i would actually kill myslef...but I have prayed to God that I could dissipear into my wall and never be seen or hurt again and yet I have purposely hurt myslef before...

I feel like everyone has given up on me even my youth pastor but we wont go there right now....

I just want to be loved....I grew up Christian so I 'know' God loves me but its been a long time since I have felt that love in my heart and I feel drained...I have no energy it seems to even pray anymore...Im tired....and Im scared of the future and I know Im being held back by the past....

Its like I have become comfortable hurting...and sad...Im starting to push people away because Im not used to them knowing that Im not the perfect girl they thought I was...but I dont have the energy to hide the pain I feel anymore.....also because when someone gets me started on stuff like this I wont shut up cause I have kept all this inside for so long....the cutting the eating disorder everything.....the depression.....Im just so lost and I feel like Im in denial....which makes me scared I will never change...I dont want to make my problems a burden for others and Im scared they will think something bad about me....I dont want people to have to listen to me talk....we all have problems like this...

wouldn't it be better to figure this out on my own?....I know what this has been like for me....and I dont want to lose me friends and make them suffer too....all this stuff has just clouded my mind....I cant even think in a way that makes clear sense anymore....Im so scared....

Someone just please let me know that there is a chance for me....

[Major Schultz]

There is. I have ofton cried out to God "let me know you Love me, and let that be enough". I know where you are, and i know that HE is always with you, even untill the end of the age.

Originally Posted by Major Schultz

There is. I have ofton cried out to God "let me know you Love me, and let that be enough". I know where you are, and i know that HE is always with you, even untill the end of the age.

Thanks....I think I just needed to know that someone was still listening and cared...thats all I want

something else I just thought of...why is it that its so easy for people to say they care about you and they want to talk about how you feel and the minute you make yourslef vulnerable and actually are able to they look at you like you are nuts and dont want to have anything to do with you...I dont trust people to help me get thru this....its so easy to get hurt...Im so convinced there is something wrong with me....

[HolyRockJfreak]

It feels like just keeping it all inside would be just be easier and it would make everyone else happier. It won't. Because your friends and your youth pastor will find out sooner or later.

You need to tell your friends, they are the ones that can help you the most. They may be disappointed at first but if they are who I think they are they would be more than glad to help you and help bear part of your problem. You need to outpour everything to your youth pastor or someone else in the Church you can trust.

You need to start having a relationship with God and pray to him (you don't have to close your eyes or whatever, just pray) and read the Bible (doesn't have to be a lot just take a little time with God) just talk to him and trust him.

And pour out everything to him even though he already knows, that's what makes it hard, but it will take part of the weight off your shoulders.

You also need to find a boost when you are feeling down, definitely try some positive music whether it's U2, Creed, Lifehouse, Styx, Switchfoot, 12 Stones, Anberlin, P.O.D., etc. it will really help you if you find some positive music to lift you up when you are down.

If you ever need to talk to someone and you can't find anyone, try to become a member on this site so then I can send you a private message with my screen name and email and you can talk to me if you want.

And Remember you can always go farther and you always have more strength than you think you do. As a long-distance runner I know pain and I know that there is always a chance and you are stronger than you think.

God Bless! - HolyRockJfreak

see you have got some of that wrong...part of the reason Im 'stuck' is cause I grew up in the church...I have listened to christian music for years...I go to church every sunday...everyone thinks Im fine...but for once I just need someone to knwo Im not Im just afriad

well this was just a case of needing to talk on my part I guess...it was probably a bad idea though especailly since there is nothing really any of you can do for me...you dont know my situation and whats going on...but thanks for trying anyways : ) I do appreciate that...small things like that can make people happy for awhile...it made me feel some better today but I know it wont solve anything in the long run my problems are deeper but I dont know the first thing about solving them...Truthfully I feel like God should give up on me cause of all the stuff thats happened and how many times I have dissipointed Him....and I KNOW its so WRONG for me to think this...but havn't you ever struggled with separating what you know true in your mind from what you actually feel in your heart....thats all I do.....anyway Im sure it will be ok...if you want just ask God to get me through this cause its been going on for so long and for once in my life I feel like giving up...I have never felt like this before...so if you can remember me in your prayers....but have fun on here cause this is a good thing!....and thanks....

Bye

[Kiss the Son]

Please come back.

[HolyRockJfreak]

Originally Posted by 08642

well this was just a case of needing to talk on my part I guess...it was probably a bad idea though especailly since there is nothing really any of you can do for me...you dont know my situation and whats going on...but thanks for trying anyways : ) I do appreciate that...small things like that can make people happy for awhile...it made me feel some better today but I know it wont solve anything in the long run my problems are deeper but I dont know the first thing about solving them...Truthfully I feel like God should give up on me cause of all the stuff thats happened and how many times I have dissipointed Him....and I KNOW its so WRONG for me to think this...but havn't you ever struggled with separating what you know true in your mind from what you actually feel in your heart....thats all I do.....anyway Im sure it will be ok...if you want just ask God to get me through this cause its been going on for so long and for once in my life I feel like giving up...I have never felt like this before...so if you can remember me in your prayers....but have fun on here cause this is a good thing!....and thanks....

Bye

I know just how you feel, I've done some stupid stuff, and I think that God wouldn't let me fall like this, and yeah I know how you feel and I was the "perfect Christian dude" with my friends to, but I had to admit that I wasn't falling and that I would get things wrong and mess up all the time, it's not easy, but when I did some of my shame was lifted off my back. I realized if I fell I should tell others so they don't make the same mistakes.

Yeah I feel like God should give up on me, that I'm not good enough, but when in the Bible did God ever use the perfect person?

The best way to deal with this is to get it out of your system and tell one of your friends you can trust, I know it doesn't help to keep it bottled up inside, I have been there. Talk to your youth pastor or an older lady in the Church you can trust.

I will pray for you, but the decision is up to you and a big mistake would be to try to figure it out on your own, your friends are there to help you, talk to them they will help you, and I know life is tough sometimes and I know you think that there is no hope for you but your life and you getting through this is important.

but Im so lost....I dont know what to do...I dont feel good enough for anything...and I have no energy ..I dont even want to be around people anymore....I dont want to be around my friends...yet I want them to understand what sense does that make...I just want to know I am loved

I want to get through this I do...I just dont know how to give this over to God...and how does a person move on?....everytime I feel Im getting somewhere the past comes back and says...you went through this?....you aren't good enough...you dont have the right to say that...how do you get past all these feelings that can drive you nuts....

this is so bad what am I doing here....Im so sorry guys...you dont even know me...I shouldn't be doing this...

[nix]

Whats your vision for your future? What do you dream about?

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Originally Posted by 08642

I want to get through this I do...I just dont know how to give this over to God...and how does a person move on?....everytime I feel Im getting somewhere the past comes back and says...you went through this?....you aren't good enough...you dont have the right to say that...how do you get past all these feelings that can drive you nuts....

You have to ignore the past in a lot of ways. Your value to God and others is not based on the past.

[twinner2]

it is OK not to be perfect.. it is OK to go through struggles.. dont think that just because you have been in the church all your life, you have to pretend to be perfect.. Becoming and being a christian doesnt solve problems, it just gives us a God and a loving to turn to when we go through them...

you sound exactly like me.... (correct me if im wrong but this is how it feels to me.. and it seems like your the same way) every thought flies throught your head so fast, and you just cant fall asleep and cant stop thinking about things.... and all your emotions are soo overwhelming that you just dont wan to deal with them.. so you disreaguard the,... put them in the depths of your mind and hope that makes them dissapear... but it doesnt.... they still are there lurking... you arent sure what all of it is anymore, but it builds up and builds up until you just want to explode.

i KNOW the feeling...and i hate it

but too many times i have gone that route and i just hvent seemes to learn that every time i bury my emotions, they dont go away... it sticks but its true... confront them.... talk to someone youtrust and know genuinely cares about you not just sits there and listenes to you talk and pour out everything youve got... you CAN get through this... take action.. take the leap of faith... God will catch you.... he caught me