A little advice...

Swanky · 08-10-2005, 09:40 PM

Guys, I've had a sticky situation lately. Lately = 1.5 years.

I've been seeing this man for about two years, on and off, and we've broken up many times for good reason. However, every time that we go our separate ways, it feels like we are tied to one another. I always feel an overwhelming sense of peace with this man.. he feels like home to me. I have prayed about this for a long time, and it always seems to be in God's will for us to be together.

Our relationship lacks physical intimacy. The most we do is give one another a small kiss and a hug. We don't cuddle, we don't hold hands, he doesn't hold me by the small of my back when we dance. I don't wrap my arms around his neck. It's not that we don't want to, rather, it's something we've tried to stay away from to maintain a pure relationship. But I almost wonder whether or not this lack of physical intimacy has anything to do with it.

We've prayed about this together as a couple. God and his blessing have been in our relationship from the start. I don't know how to keep us together or keep us apart. There doesn't seem to be an ultimate answer. I just don't know what to do.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Swank

bobthecockroach · 08-10-2005, 10:28 PM

I think someone is inevitably going to ask this question, so I may as well:

Why did you break up in the past?

In general, I think the most important thing in a relationship is a commitment that, "we're gonna make this relationship work." A relationship without problems is impossible. Thus, a relationship without commitment is impossible. Though, I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't know, so I'll just shut up now.

Swanky · 08-10-2005, 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bobthecockroach

I think someone is inevitably going to ask this question, so I may as well:

Why did you break up in the past?

The first time was after four months. We didn't spend time together, and generally had no interest in dating one another. After a couple weeks, we started hanging out as friends, calling each other daily, and had a great friendship. Well, things progressed from there, and we decided that we wanted to date.

We did for about 8 or 9 months, and I decided that he wasn't someone that I wanted to marry. (My intentions were to date to marry) We continued to be friends after that, something that I rarely do with ex boyfriends.

He changed a lot after that, and I decided that I could really see marrying this guy. That lasted four or five months, and he broke up with me because he thought that I was only dating him so that I had a boyfriend, and he didn't feel there was commitment on my part.

I showed him more commitment and pursued the relationship further. I showed him that I really wanted to marry him, and he felt the same at first. And now he's not sure where he stands, and he's been that way since then.

So you see,.. a lot of things have changed and altered the relationship, and I just don't know how much longer this will go on. I want one or the other. Him or not him. I just want an answer, and I haven't found it for the past 6 or 7 months that this has been going on.

We try talking about marriage, and we get as far as what we would like.. but when we come to talking about time or when things will happen, we're at loss. I kind of want to give up.. but it feels so right to continue. I feel like this might be it. You always hear that the best things are the hardest..

Swank

JWillett · 08-10-2005, 11:57 PM

are you both in a position to be married in the next year? perhaps there is something that one or both of you need to do before you can commit wholey to the relationship. In which case, there will always be a mysterious fog hanging over the future of your relationship in terms of planning.

Swanky · 08-11-2005, 07:26 AM

We both have stable, good paying jobs. Neither of us attended college, nor do we plan to. There are no strings attached. I try asking him why he's unsure or just doesn't seem to want to get married yet, and he doesn't really give an answer. I don't know what to do.. I don't want to be away from him..

Swank

bobthecockroach · 08-14-2005, 11:05 PM

Fair warning: I am 19 and have never been in a serious relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Swanky

I try asking him why he's unsure or just doesn't seem to want to get married yet, and he doesn't really give an answer.

It seems like maybe he hasn't answered this question for himself yet. There does appear to be something holding him back, something that's making him not quite ready for marriage, but what it is (if I'm even right), I couldn't say. It may just be that he has to work this stuff out in his mind before he can make any decisions. It may be something that y'all need to talk about, but it doesn't seem like that's what he wants which I would guess is because he's not even sure himself why he's not ready.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 08-15-2005, 09:48 AM

My guess may be hard for you to hear. My guess is that he is gun-shy of you breaking up with him in the past and the trust levels still need work. You broke up with him twice. When he broke up with you it was because he thought you were not committed. Now the same problem is resurfacing really. Your best bet is to seriously just try to let the relationship progress.

If you try to force it too fast, the proper friendship will be superceded by planning. I wonder if you have in the past shown a small amount of commitment, and now are wanting to get married too fast. It seems that is what he is perceiving. Give it time.

Swanky · 08-23-2005, 09:56 PM

You bring up a good point Bill.. I appreciate your thoughts.

I will continue to pray about this. Things are just fine right now, and I don't want that to change because of something I say or do to try and get an answer from him. I agree that I may be rushing things.. thank you for bringing it to the light.

I really appreciate your advice, guys.

Swank